The Melancholy of Kyon
by Diamond Avatar
Summary: [The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi] [KYONxHARUHIxMIKURUxYUKIxRYOKOxTSURUYA] For various reasons, the girls are falling for Kyon. But for Kyon, it's just giving him a headache, and Haruhi's not liking it. She'll probably destroy something.
1. Chapter 1

**The Melancholy of Kyon**

By Diamond Avatar

**Disclaimer: **The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi / Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu was not created nor is owned by me. The characters are not mine, and so on and so forth.

Okay, I'm probably digging my own grave by trying to start another fic while in the middle of school and ANOTHER fic, I wanted to make sure nobody else could get this story name. So uh… It's mine! Anyway, after finishing off the anime series, I decided it would be a good challenge to create a decent story that doesn't put the show to shame. Anyway, what this is actually going to be about, I have no real idea, but I intend to make it seem like it could actually be a part of the original show itself. I have no clue how I'm going to make comedy out of a show like this though. Maybe I'm just being full of myself, but screw it, let's just get on with this. As usual, reviews are appreciated, and pointing out errors would prove useful.

And people reading my Naruto fic, please don't hate me for this! I'm only releasing this chapter to get the title, but I'm still working on the next chapter! Please wait for it!

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**Chapter 1**

The day after that rainy evening with Haruhi, I found myself walking to school as usual. I'd almost swear life was back to normal now… Or maybe I was just starting to feel that the weird stuff occurring now was normal… But isn't it weird to think that the weird stuff is normal…?

You know what, screw it.

As I entered my classroom, I saw Haruhi at her desk, glancing outside as usual. I set my bag onto my desk and took my seat, stretching my arms up. A sudden uncomfortable pressure began to build along my collar, and I was suddenly jerked back and my head was held onto this loud girl's desk. Luckily, I was beginning to expect it now. Oh God, I really was starting to find this weird stuff to be normal.

"Kyon!"

She looked at me with an upside-down frowning face.

"What?"

She kept looking at me with that frown.

"Hurry up, what is it? This isn't the most comfortable position, you know."

Haruhi seemed to look troubled, which was kind of weird, seeing as how Haruhi was never troubled. Before she could continue though, our teacher came in, and Haruhi quickly mumbled 'forget it' before letting me go and gave me a forceful push forward. She didn't have to be so rough…

The recess bell tolled, and Haruhi was once again out of sight. She probably felt bored again and was running around looking for something fun. Kunikida and Taniguchi approached me with menacing grins.

"Hey Kyon, rumors say that you were sharing an umbrella with Haruhi the other day," Kunikida told me with a teasing grin. Taniguchi wasn't saying anything; his face just had a look that was a cross between envy and anger.

"I didn't have an umbrella, so we shared one. Besides, it was the school's umbrella. It's fine for a student to use it, isn't it?" Crap, I sounded just like Haruhi. "How did you find out about that, anyway?"

"Like I said, rumors." He stretched his arms outwards. "Everyone's hearing about it. Haruhi was already a celebrity, and you were getting known to be one of her men. Except now, you're being called _her_ man."

That sounded so wrong to my ears.

"So how close are you two anyway? You gone out on a date yet?"

No, but I've had to go city-scouting alone with her before…

"Have you kissed her?"

Well, yeah, but I didn't have a choice. She would've destroyed the world. I really wanted to forget about that.

Before I knew it, just about everyone in class was looking in my direction. There were even people peering in from the corridors. How could people have found out that we walked together last night? And why was everyone so amazed? Okay, so it involved Haruhi, but wasn't I told that she's gone out with plenty of guys before?

Before I could stupidly question myself any further, the bell rang again, forcing them to give up their interrogation on me. As the crowd began diminishing with strong reluctance, Haruhi came in through the door, still carrying that same troubled look she had before. She ignored me as she took her seat, letting her head sit on her arms and looking straight ahead. From the looks everyone else was giving me, they probably thought she was gazing lovingly into my back.

Haruhi? Gazing lovingly? That'll be the day.

As class ended, I made my way to the clubroom seemingly instinctively. I guess after six months, I couldn't help but go there. That, and I'd get to see the stunning Asahina in her maid outfit. I knocked on the door, and Asahina, dressed in her lovely maid outfit, answered as usual, but she was strangely sullen. As I entered, I noticed that Koizumi and Yuki were already there as per normal, but Haruhi had yet to arrive. It seemed that whoever gave me that second cardigan was going to remain a mystery now. I sure hoped it wasn't Koizumi.

Asahina brought me some of her wonderful tea, and looked at me expectantly.

"It's good, Asahina."

She sighed happily, but her sullenness returned quickly. "Kyon-kun… Ano… I heard you walked home with Haruhi-san last night… Is that true?"

What was with this 'walking home' thing? Why was it such a big deal? "I didn't have an umbrella, so I shared Haruhi's one." Except it wasn't really hers. "It's no big deal."

I could've sworn Yuki looked up at me, but then again, she never really moved her eyes away from whatever book she was reading. I must have imagined it.

"Hey, hey, hey!"

The voice was approaching from outside, and grew louder by the moment. It could only be one person.

"Big news everyone!"

The door flung open, and there stood the usual pumped-up Haruhi, fired up over something once again. This would probably end up bad for me.

"Asakura Ryoko's back!"

My head shot up, and I turned to Yuki. She didn't stop reading, and just said "No problem". A person that tried to kill me is back, and she's saying it's no problem?

"Ne, Kyon! Let's go investigate! Isn't it strange for her to disappear with a story like her father working at Canada, and then to suddenly return like this? Something's fishy! I wanna investigate!"

Before I could say no, I found myself being dragged out of the classroom, Koizumi waving at me with a smile and Asahina looking worried. As the clubroom disappeared from sight, I found myself outside in the field, where a large group had gathered. I deduced that Asakura was at the center of that group. Haruhi dropped me to the ground, and I sluggishly stood up, rubbing my backside.

"Why did you leave so suddenly?"

"Are you back for good now?"

"How is it in Canada?"

A flurry of questions was being thrown at Asakura, and whether or not she responded I couldn't really hear. As her eyes waved around flutteringly, they met with mine, and she smiled. The last time I saw that smile I had a knife millimeters from my face. So you could understand my fear when she suddenly moved the crowd aside to step in front of me.

"Kyon-kun…?" She said it as though she wasn't entirely sure of whether or not she was right.

"W-Why are you back here, Asakura-san?" I stuttered, my hands shaking slightly from the past memories.

"I left my father in Canada and returned because I fell in love while I was last here," she began, announcing it to everyone calmly. Everyone 'ooh'-ed and 'ah'-ed dramatically, pushing forward to hear everything she said. A lot of guys were getting hopeful looks on their faces. It sounded kind of weird that she'd come back for something like that, but things were just about to get a lot weirder.

"I came back for you, Kyon. I found that I couldn't forget about you. Will you be my boyfriend?"

There were probably all kinds of outcomes to this. So somebody please tell me, why couldn't I see a good one? Maybe it had something to do with the looks of rage I was receiving from male and female alike. Even Haruhi was looking at me with a death stare.

Right about now, I sure was feeling melancholic.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

My walk back to the clubroom seemed to take longer than it should have, and it was accompanied by the menacing glares of male and female alike. Upon reaching the clubroom, it seemed that even Asahina and Koizumi had heard about Asakura's surprise confession, although Yuki showed no emotion as usual. How this news managed to get here sooner than I did, I'll always wonder.

After Asakura had made her special announcement as to why she had returned, I can fairly say that I wasn't all too sure what to do. On one hand, a girl was telling me that she would like to go out with me, which I'll admit is pretty heartwarming. On the other hand, this is the same girl that had every intention to jab knives into my body. This 'girl' wasn't even a real girl! She's an alien! Was this an appropriate time for me to be feeling something like 'heartwarming'?

* * *

"Will you be my boyfriend, Kyon-kun?" Asakura repeated once again, her intimidating, smiling face staring at me. I awkwardly turned towards Haruhi, as though I were expecting some kind of advice. She gave me an angry glare, then stomped away without a word. I shouldn't have expected anything from that girl. 

"Er, well, Asakura…-san…"

Before I could continue, a number of teachers had arrived at the scene. It seemed the gathering of such a large crowd had convinced them that something bad was happening. It seemed suspicious to me that the teachers would have assumed something like this, but frankly I was too grateful to be told to return to my club activities to wonder about this any more.

As I walked off, I turned back, watching Asakura speak to the teachers, probably about her re-enrollment. Her eyes trailed off to me for a moment, and I quickly turned away and continued to make my way to the clubroom. I _really_ wanted to talk to Yuki about this before trying to confront Asakura.

* * *

I sat quietly at the clubroom table, hoping to have a chance to talk to Yuki about this alone. I didn't want Asahina worrying needlessly, and I just didn't want Koizumi butting in. I decided to wait until the end of the day and try to get a minute alone with Yuki to discuss Asakura's return. 

"Where's Haruhi? Didn't she get back here some time ago?"

"She hasn't come back since she walked out with you to greet Asakura-san." Koizumi answered my question with a knowing grin. I guess with him being an esper, there was a chance he could read my mind and already knew about Asakura. Man, I hate this guy. "How _is_ Asakura-san, Kyon?"

Ignoring his question, I rested my head on one hand and closed my eyes. I wish this day would just end so I could just lie on my bed at home and not worry about these weird things. There was a knock on the door, and Asahina answered it.

"Ah, you must be Asakura-san!" I shivered as I heard this, and got to my feet, staring at the doorway as Asakura stepped inside the SOS Brigade clubroom. Asahina spoke with a somewhat distant voice. I guess she really did hear about what Asakura said earlier. Don't believe it, Asahina! It's definitely a trap set to get me killed!

"Yes, and you must be Asahina Mikuru-san. Thank you for the warm greeting, Asahina-san. Is Suzumiya-san doing well?"

"Y-Yes, she is fine."

Why won't you hurry up and say what you're doing here?

"Ah, yes. May I please borrow Kyon for a moment?"

And there was the reason. She was trying to get me alone again. I looked at Yuki, but she didn't show any signs of caring. I looked to be on my own this time.

"Y, You want to borrow Kyon? Why?"

"I have something important to discuss with him."

I didn't know what she wanted, but I wasn't going to let Asahina get into any danger. I stood up and clapped my hand on Asahina's shoulder.

"It's okay, Asahina-san. I'll be back in a minute." Mikuru looked disheartened. Could she know that Asakura is dangerous? No, there's no way she'd know about that… Could Yuki have told them?

I looked at Yuki again, who was as motionless as ever. Yuki, talking about things? Assertively? That'll never happen.

Asakura motioned me to follow her as she walked down the corridor. I followed a fair distance behind, hoping it was enough distance to run away if I had to. There were still other students doing club activities though. She wouldn't do anything too strange… Like seal off an entire classroom… Again.

Oh crap. She's heading into a classroom. Déjà vu hit me like brick that was lit on fire. I gulped cautiously as I put one foot inside the room. I was suddenly pulled in by Asakura's hand, falling onto her as she held me up, my face thrusted onto her chest like a ball into cushions.

Okay, it felt pretty amazing, other than the fact that she is an ALIEN. An ALIEN that tried to KILL ME.

I pushed off her erratically, shielding my body with my arms. Asakura just gave me the same smile she always did. A thud from behind me was heard, and I turned to find that the door had closed. This is becoming awfully familiar.

"Are you here to try and kill me again?" I asked, taking a nervous step away from her.

"Not this time, Kyon," she said, her hand reaching into her skirt pocket and pulling out a familiar switchblade. If you're not going to kill me, why are you pulling that out? "I was reconstructed and returned here by the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. They have given me a new mission. I have calculated that it will be interesting enough for me to not have to resort to destroying your existence." The way her sweet voice spoke of strange, complicated things got the hair on the back of my neck standing on end.

"And what mission would that be?"

"Suzumiya Haruhi's relation to you has been steadily increasing according to our information. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity finds this intriguing, and wonder whether or not your relation will affect Suzumiya Haruhi's abilities. Is it not true that you were walking with Suzumiya Haruhi last night?"

What the hell, even aliens know about that? Am I being followed by paparazzi from out of this world?

"In other similar events concerning you, Suzumiya Haruhi is noticed to undergo minor changes. However minor these changes are, they accumulate, and therefore could lead to problems in observation for my superiors."

…What?

"Allow me to try and simplify it." She played with the switchblade as she talked, which just served to make me even more nervous.

"The simplest human term to use in this case is 'love'."

Love? What is she going on about?

"The effect within Suzumiya Haruhi is one of a complicated combination of pheromones and hormones fluctuating throughout her being. The closest human interpretation I can determine is 'love'. Suzumiya Haruhi has come to depend on your availability and closeness to her. I am here to disrupt that availability and closeness."

"Hold on, you've gotta be joking!" Okay, stupid comment. "I don't know what your superiors are assuming here, but I can assure you that you have the wrong idea!" I was just one of Haruhi's cronies, why would they get a stupid idea like that? To Haruhi, I could probably even be an emergency food source if she was stranded in the middle of nowhere with me.

Asakura looked up at me as she played with her switchblade. "I'm afraid you must be the one that has the wrong idea. Regardless, the Integrated Data Sentient Entity has given us the new objective of 'achieving' your availability.

Achieving my availability? She makes it out as though I'm a slave! Then again, I guess I'm not that far from that…

"Hey, wait… _Us_? You mean it's not just you?"

"I wouldn't be surprised if other factions had come to a similar conclusion based on your relationship with Suzumiya Haruhi. I am prepared to fight competition in order to claim your availability."

Before I could question her further, the classroom door slid open. It was Koizumi. "I hope I'm not interrupting something special?" he said coyly. How I'd love to smash in his face for that comment, but I had to be somewhat glad that I was no longer alone with Asakura. Although she didn't actually answer my question the way I hoped. She said us… Could she mean Yuki? Is Yuki also being ordered to take my 'availability'?

"Forgive me Asakura-san, I'm afraid I'll be requiring Kyon for a moment myself."

"It's fine, Koizumi-san. I will find time to speak to Kyon later. And Kyon…" she walked up to me, getting uncomfortably close to my face. "I hope you'll give an answer soon."

As she disappeared into the corridor, I felt my body slump. I suddenly felt really tired, like I'd run a marathon. But I guess there's no rest for the wicked – Koizumi clasped his hand on my shoulder with a somewhat serious face.

"Kyon, there's been a disturbance in the Force!"

"What?"

"Just kidding - although, this probably is a bad time for that. A closed space was generated just a few moments ago. It would seem that Suzumiya Haruhi is feeling stressed at the moment."

Perhaps it was just the moment, but I started to notice some pluses to being able to conjure up blue giants whenever one was stressed. It must be good at releasing steam.

"I am about to leave to join my comrades, but I have been informed that it is genuinely more aggressive and dangerous than usual, so you will not be able to join me this time."

He didn't come just to tell me not to come, I hope.

"No, I'm not here to make you accompany me. Rather, I have something else to ask of you. I believe that the ferocity of the giants this time may be too much for us to handle, and would like to have a backup plan set up just in case this is so."

And what would that be?

"Kyon, I need you to find Suzumiya-san and help her relieve her stress."

What? How do you expect me to do that? I don't even know where she is, and even if I did, how would I relieve her stress? Bring her a stress ball?

Koizumi grinned at me. "I'm sure that if anyone can find a way, it'll be Kyon."

He took his hand off my shoulder and walked out, leaving me to do something I hadn't even agreed to do. I guess I had no choice now but to somehow locate Haruhi, somehow calm her, and somehow survive Asakura's antics for my 'availability'.

Great.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **For anyone who reads anything I write that may end up in here, and to people waiting for this fic to get updated, I'm not going to be able to update until at least November due to exams. More info on my profile if you care, but anyways, sorry everyone! Please wait for my exams to end, then I'll get right back into it! Anyway, enjoy

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**Chapter 3**

As I had no idea how to find Haruhi, I decided I'd ask Yuki for help. That, and I was anxious to talk to her about Asakura and this 'availability' thing. Upon returning to the clubroom, I found Yuki still planted at her usual seat. Bear in mind, school officially ended some time ago, but I supposed that since Haruhi hadn't said anything about the usual after-class meeting being off, Yuki intended to sit here for some time.

With Koizumi out of the picture, and Asahina strangely out of sight, the situation was perfect for me to finally question Yuki about Asakura's mysterious intentions.

However, it seemed that things still had that habit of not working out for me. I guess that's another consequence of being human around all these weirdoes.

"There is nothing to be concerned about." Her reply was an end to a conversation that hadn't even begun, and as usual her eyes didn't even leave her book. I couldn't see the title of it, but the page she was on had a picture of a man eating an extravagant meal with his proactive, enthusiastic housewife. No matter how much I'd ask her about Asakura, I had serious doubts in getting any idea what the heck was going on.

"Can you at least tell me… You're not in on this too, are you? This… 'Availability' thing?"

"My controlling superior is of a different branch to Asakura's, and therefore, my orders are from a separate independent source."

Huh, another brilliantly complicated answer that seemed to tell me nothing.

"I am aware of Asakura's new orders. I personally have no desire for her mission to be accomplished. There is nothing to be concerned about. I will not let her have you."

Shutting her book, Yuki stood up, hugging her book in front of her with her arms. Catching a glimpse of the title, it read 'The Way to a Man's Heart'. Yuki's taste in literature sure was broad. It seemed she was ready to call it a day and leave. I wasn't about to let her leave me hanging like this, so I called out to her.

"So what you're telling me is that Asakura's orders are to try and take my uh… 'Availability'…"

She still didn't explain this 'availability' thing to me.

"… And your orders are to stop her?"

As she reached the doorframe of our clubroom, she replied without turning to face me.

"It was not an order."

She disappeared without another word, leaving me alone in the clubroom. It seemed leaving me alone with so many problems was the new trend of the SOS club.

… And I just realized I didn't ask her about Haruhi. Terrific.

After aimlessly wandering the school halls for a while, I realized I knew very little about the places Haruhi would go to. I had never visited her home (not that the idea thrilled me, anyway); I had no clue where she liked to hang out… I pretty much had no leads as to how to find her at all.

But say she didn't want to be found? With her stressed out as she is, she probably doesn't want any company, especially mine. Well, the feelings mutual, but I guess it's a bit of an emergency right now. Back to the point though: if she doesn't want to be found, couldn't she bend the universe to stop anyone from finding her?

Likewise, couldn't she bend the universe to lead someone right to her?

Yeah, I guess she's done stranger things. But I doubt the latter would ever happen. Who in the world could she possibly _want_ to see? Lord knows there's no living thing on Earth that can live up to her incredible standards. So technically, looking for her would be a task in vain, right?

Argh, but if I do slack off, and the world as I know it is destroyed, I guess I'd be partially responsible, wouldn't I?

Okay, I'd be entirely responsible. Fine, I'll just check the first place that comes to my mind, and if she's not there, I'm giving up. Hmm… Well, there was that one time around the school festival I found her outside underneath that tree. Right! I'm going to check there, and if she's not there, it's not my fault if the world collapses like a pancake.

As I head down the stairs, I realized that the idea for checking under the tree seemed to pop out of nowhere. I mean, I hardly remembered that time, and yet I could see it so clearly right now… Maybe Haruhi was sending me a signal to find her…

Ha, just kidding.

… Or not.

Through some strange coincidence, there was Haruhi, lying underneath the tree with a sour face of irritation. How disturbingly nostalgic this scene was. Her eyes were shut tightly, and she was frowning. It seemed she hadn't noticed my presence yet. Hmm, could it be that she really did call out to me?

The thought of that really creeps me out.

Seeing as how Haruhi hadn't noticed me yet, I slowly inched my way towards her, tiptoeing like the evil looking guy in black and white stripes would in a cartoon. As I reached her, I knelt by her side, and then…

"Boo!"

"_Ack!_"

At that moment, I found out that Haruhi has an instinctive reaction to being snuck up on – her fist extends and slams you one on the nose.

"K-Kyon! What are you doing sneaking up on me like that?" she exclaimed, standing over me with a clenched fist. My hands were tenderly caressing my nose. I hope she didn't break it… Ow. "What are you doing here, anyway, Kyon? Looking for _Asakura-san_, are you?" She looked at me with an incredibly irritated face. Jeez, what was her problem?

"I wasn't looking for Asakura-san…" I think my nose is starting to swell. "Why would I be looking for her?"

"Who knows! Maybe you two planned out a date? Maybe you said you'd meet here after school, and then walk hand-in-hand down the street, probably pass by the cinemas and watch a movie, during which your hands would slowly reach for each other and you'd both look at each other with lovey-dovey eyes and completely ignore the rest of the movie, and afterwards you'd go to an ice cream store, and…"

She was talking so fast that I could barely understand the rest of it. When she finished, she was panting and looking at me with a red, panting face.

"…Uh… No, Haruhi, we didn't plan anything like that." I wondered if I should say sorry since she went so in-depth with the idea.

"Well, why are you here then?"

"Is it so unbelievable that I was looking for you?"

"W-What?" She looked at me with a kind of shocked face. What's so shocking about it? Heh, I guess she _really_ didn't want to see me, but right now the universe was at stake, so I had to do something.

"S-So why were you looking for me?" Her face was still red, and she was yelling at me angrily.

"Well, because…"

Ohhh no.

I am very well NOT going to say that I was looking for her to cheer her up.

I turned away from, scratching my head in embarrassment. My eyes turned over to her, and for some reason her angry expression had become more… tender? I swear, she actually looked like an innocent, beautiful, _ordinary_ schoolgirl for a minute. She was looking up at me with her flushed face, her fingers anxiously playing with each other, which was yet another thing she didn't do often.

I bet from an outsider's view of this situation, it would look kind of like a confession of one's love. That was wrong for _so_ many reasons. For one thing, it's Haruhi we're talking about here. And me? I'm pretty sure there aren't any girls who have an undying love to confess to me. I'm not cynical or anything, but I'm no George Clooney either. Besides, my reputation as Haruhi's lapdog extends far and wide. I'm no longer a man to them…

That's incredibly depressing.

"Uh… Haruhi, I…"

"Kyon! Take me to the movies! There's a new film I want to see about aliens!"

Ha?

"You're free right now, right?"

Well, more than free, my time's being used for you right now, so I guess, yeah, I'm free.

"Then let's go!"

Before I could say anything, she had grabbed my arm, and was dragging me out of the school, humming the tune to Indiana Jones. Somehow, without doing anything, Haruhi seems to have cheered up.

Well, if the world gets destroyed now, it's not my fault. It's Koizumi's fault.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Just a handful of hours ago I completed my last exam... WOOT. Now that that's done with, I'm finally free from school. Anyway, if anybody else is doing the HSC in Australia this year, good luck to you. The HSC is a real kick in the pants.

Moving on, I've updated as I said I would, and hopefully sometime soon I'll finish up my WTHAUOF chapter, so if you're looking forward to that then uh... Look forward to it.

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**  
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**Chapter 4**

Haruhi relentlessly tugged me all the way into town in the direction of the local cinema. If anyone has ever had their pants pulled down in the middle of a shopping centre, they may have an idea of the attention I was being given as I was dragged around like a doll for a good twenty minutes.

As we reached the ticket booth, Haruhi insistently reached into my school jacket pocket and swiftly took my wallet. How did she know my wallet was there? Frankly, I wasn't too comfortable with people getting into my pockets like that.

"You always pull out your wallet from your jacket when you're at the school cafeteria, so it was obvious! Besides, you have enough money in here to pay for the both of us, so you should!"

That doesn't even make sense. And how obvious could my habitual placement of my belongings be? I can't even recall a day when Haruhi accompanied me to the cafeteria. Could she be stalking me? She's probably been plotting something evil against me again.

After purchasing the tickets, she shoved my wallet back into my pocket and dragged me inside with her, beaming with anticipation. Before I knew it, she had plopped me down in a seat in front of a large screen commercializing a classy restaurant.

"If you want to show you're woman you're a classy guy, then make a reservation at Classy Restaurants today!"

Huh, somehow it seemed that the effort being put into naming franchises had really toned down.

"Hey, Kyon! Quiet down, the movie's going to start!" Haruhi scolded me with a sharp elbow poke.

I wasn't even saying anything! You're obviously the noisy one here, by the way!

"Never mind that! Just pay attention to the movie!"

Gladly. It'll help me get the fact that I'm watching a movie with you off my mind.

Wait a minute.

I'm watching a movie. With a _girl_. It didn't quite hit me until now that this would be my first time at the movies with a girl. I'd always been a very, very, incredibly average guy, and as such, I was easily overlooked by probably every girl.

Man, I sound pathetic. Like the kind of guy that's lucky to get complimentary chocolate on Valentine's Day. Ugh.

Yet here I was, with the most popular (for various reasons) girl in school, watching a film. Ahh, but how I wish I was with somebody less… Haruhi-ish. Perhaps if I came with an angel like Mikuru, or even Yuki would be less mind straining, a simple trip to the library would suffice for her. Oh well. Beggars can't be choosers.

Eerie sci-fi music began to play, signaling the beginning of the movie. I glanced over at Haruhi, who was staring at the screen with round, enthused eyes. At least one of us was bound to have fun. The movie's story seemed to focus around two high schoolers: an average-looking guy, and an energetic, alien-otaku girl. Apparently, they somehow altered the universe using the girl's unrealized godlike powers.

Sounds disturbingly familiar, wouldn't you say?

The new universe is apparently one where the only existing humans seem to be the guy and the girl, and the girl is absolutely thrilled. And, as I had nervously guessed beforehand, blue giants appeared. Yes, that's right. Blue giants.

This has Haruhi written all over it. Has she just altered the universe to write the world's most controversial movie, or is there a director out there that is just a walking coincidence?

Huh?

Something soft and warm seems to have nested on top of my hand. I felt my hairs stand on end. Was there such an insect that could cover my whole hand? And so warm, too?

Wait a minute. It felt suspiciously like a hand.

Oh God.

Is Haruhi holding my hand?

A second uncertain glance at Haruhi showed me that she was totally entranced by what was being shown in front of her eyes. Her mouth was petite and slightly open, her eyes gazing strongly into the screen with an expression of enlightenment that monks strived for.

Ah, I guess that her hand being here on mine was merely a chance situation. She probably hasn't even realized yet. Maybe I should move… Then again, if I did, would the movement surprise her? She'd probably think that _I _was trying to hold _her _hand. Better to just pretend I hadn't noticed…

With the two protagonists standing before one another in the school's remains, looking into one another's eyes, I anticipated the obvious ending.

"Ponytails turn me on."

I realize now that what I said sure did sound awfully perverted. Thank God nobody here knows that I really said this.

"W-What are you saying?"

And then… Well, you know what happens then.

But I was wrong.

The movie didn't go that way. It was a little different.

"Ponytails turn me on."

"W-What are you saying?"

Those lines followed suit, however, it's what happened _after_ that that surprised me.

"I like this new world, Karuhi. Let's stay here, together. We don't need anyone else!"

"Oh, Hyon…"

And then… Well, _there_ was another part that hadn't changed. Watching the two characters kiss like that made me shiver with uncomfortable memories. Finally the ending credits began to roll, the cinema lights steadily brightening. I turned to look at Haruhi's awed face again, and saw tiny tears forming in her eyes. Unconsciously, I shuffled away from her in guilty nervousness.

"H-Haruhi? Are you okay?" I asked unsurely. Was this movie so touching that it brought Haruhi to tears? Perhaps it so disappointing she was brought to tears? Or worse – did _I_ bring her to tears? Come on, I didn't do anything! I'm innocent!

She glanced at me for a second at the mention of her name before turning away furiously to wipe her face. "…O-Of course I'm okay, idiot! Something just got into my eyes… Idiot!"

Okay, okay, forgive me for _caring_, your majesty. Calling me an idiot twice was definitely not called for either.

Ugh, I may have been thinking that, but I still felt like I should do something after watching her tear up like that, so I hurriedly fumbled through my pockets and found my handkerchief, still neatly folded and unused, thanks to my wonderful health.

I may find Haruhi unbearable, but still, a girl's tears make men do anything, even if said girl was Suzumiya Haruhi.

"Here, Haruhi. To get whatever's in your eyes out."

She turned to me once again, looking at the handkerchief I held out first, then up at me before hesitantly grabbing it and turning away once more. The cinema had now completely emptied, and the credits continued to roll. Normally I'd have left with the usual crowds at the beginning of the credits, but I didn't dare try to force Haruhi to move in case she took offense and punished me. It was only when I noticed the cleaners waiting anxiously for us to leave that I risked an uncertain rub on her shoulder.

"Hey, Haruhi, let's head out now, okay?"

She didn't answer, and instead allowed me to lead her back outside, where the evening sun fading into the horizon greeted us. I looked at my watch. It was almost six o' clock. Haruhi seemed to have calmed down now, too, and resorted to looking as though nothing had happened. Although, she was also uncommonly docile, which was unnerving.

"Hey, Kyon…"

Yeah?

"Buy me some ice cream." She pointed at a nearby ice cream van, waiting patiently for customers who just didn't seem to be coming. Funny, I didn't notice it there earlier… Maybe I was just tired. Doing as I was told, I bought two cones: one chocolate, one strawberry. I didn't know which flavor she liked, so I tried picking two popular flavors in hopes of hitting the nail on the head.

She chose the chocolate one, leaving me with strawberry. I wasn't a huge fan of strawberry, but hey, I spent money on it, and now I'm going to eat it. We strolled aimlessly as we ate, as Haruhi hadn't actually given me a direction to go.

"Kya!"

We had approached a corner, and a stray cat had suddenly lunged past us, startling the absentminded Haruhi, causing her to drop her ice cream to the floor. She looked down at it with a look of irritation.

"Dammit! That stupid cat made me drop my ice cream! And I was really looking forward to eating the wafer cone, too!"

As suddenly as she had become sullen, Haruhi appeared to be back to her usual, egotistical self, which, much to my surprise, relieved me. I really was finding this unpredictable, jumpy Haruhi normal nowadays.

She looked at my cone with a contemptuous face. She must be upset that I hadn't been startled and dropped my cone as she had. Well, that's what it's like when you're a guy, right?

"Kyon!"

What?

"Gimme that! Now!"

Are you serious? You realized I've licked this, right? As in, my tongue has met the surface of this ice cream!

"Never mind details! I wanted to have an ice cream! Besides, you look like you're done with it anyway!"

Before I can resist, she's already taken it out of my hands, and began hastily licking away at the sides as the ice cream began to melt.

Oh God.

This was certainly bringing me an incomprehensible feeling. My eyes had centered on her tongue, watching it work around the edges, watching her lips smile after each lick…

I sound like a pervert. God, I hate myself so much at this moment. This is Haruhi, for crying out loud!

"Hey, Kyon, what's with that look?"

Even as she was talking, my mind felt blank.

"So you still want some of this ice cream, huh? Very well, out of the goodness of my heart, I'll allow you another lick! Here, hurry! The sides are dripping off again!"

She shoved the strawberry ice cream in front of my face, and I looked closely at the parts of melting ice cream, where Haruhi's tongue had, only moments ago, been lovingly caressing them.

"Kyon, your face is red. What's wrong with you?"

Dammit, Haruhi, you really failed to realize sometimes that I'm still a hot-blooded male! These situations are bound to trigger certain ideas in all men! Haruhi may have been strange beyond belief, but as I've said many times before, Haruhi is indeed quite attractive. Especially when her mouth isn't moving, her limbs aren't flailing, and her mind isn't creating all kinds of strange alternate universes. Still, this is too much! She's definitely got to be playing with me now!

"What a lovely young couple we have here."

The presence of a third voice snapped me out of it, and I quickly backed away from the ice cream before I could even think about licking it. Haruhi looked at me with a frown before returning the cone to her mouth with a look of disappointment. I followed the third voice, and my eyes landed on a strange old lady who had set up shop on the streets, who was apparently right behind Haruhi and I.

"Perhaps you'd like to browse my items? I have an accessory for everyone, guaranteed!"

It surprised me that Haruhi actually had some girly-ness in her, as she showed a profound interest in the accessories lain out before her. Assortments of earrings, badges, bracelets, rings, and necklaces were neatly arranged, complete with price tags.

The old lady took Haruhi's right wrist and proceeded to do up a simple gold bracelet, patterned with golden suns. 'Fiery like the sun' certainly did seem a fitting description for Haruhi, and yes, it did look quite nice on her.

"I think the young lady looks stunning with this, don't you agree, young man?"

Haruhi glanced at me with a strangely worried face. Do you really care what I say? If you like it, then buy it. Just because I'm normal doesn't mean everybody has to look to me to make a decision. After being unable to come up with any response to the question, Haruhi puffed hotly, undoing the bracelet and handing it back to the old lady.

"Sorry, I don't want it." And with that, Haruhi stormed off down the road. What's she so upset for? Before I could follow after her, the old lady had gripped my arm, dangling the bracelet in front of me.

"This costs 3,500 yen."

But she just said she doesn't want it.

"You don't understand girls very well, do you?"

Are you trying to make fun of me? Even if I wanted to buy it, I've only got 3,000 yen left of my allowance, and the week's barely begun! I'm going to face a lot of days without lunch if I'm not sparse with my money!

"Then give me 3,000 yen, and this is yours. She seems like the kind of girl you don't want to upset."

How right she was. Although the strong emphasis she put on 'you' told me this old lady still thought I was her boyfriend. Why does everybody think this all the time?

I whipped my head around to see Haruhi disappearing from my sight, and the old lady made no effort to let go. Finally, I gave in.

"Fine, fine. Here." I handed her what was left of my money, feeling somewhat disheartened knowing that I'd be going lunch-less for the rest of the week. She handed me the bracelet, and I stuffed it in my jacket pocket, running urgently after Haruhi.

Why was I running so urgently? I'm not sure… Why hadn't I thought about that before my legs began moving? Regardless, I finally managed to catch up to her. I noticed that we were standing at the same train intersection where she had revealed a bit of her past.

Nostalgia must have been the word of the day today.

She seemed to have finished her ice cream too, which brought me a strange combination of relief and regret. Should I have accepted that once-in-a-lifetime chance to share an ice cream cone with a girl? No! I mustn't let her toy with me so! She was merely trying to confuse me into earning myself frightening punishment.

The sun had almost completely set, and the moon peeked its head out behind grey clouds. I heard on the news that the end of this week was forecasted to have the full moon closer to the earth than usual, and apparently restaurants and hotels were getting booked out fast. The full moon seemed to be quite the profit tool.

"Hey, Haruhi, why are you upset again?"

"I'm not upset, idiot!" She wasn't facing me still, and she was obviously upset. Man, why are all the girls I know always so ambiguous about everything?

Fine, I don't care anymore. I've done plenty for Koizumi already. I was flat broke, and it was getting cold.

Haruhi was probably going to get cold too, seeing as how she was still in uniform and didn't have her cardigan with her. Sighing, I took off my jacket, placing it on her shoulders. I felt them stiffen at my touch, and she swung around, looking up at me with a red-faced frown.

"W-What are you doing, Kyon?"

I was already feeling too cold to really listen, and I had begun to walk in the direction of my home.

"Quit dawdling and head home or you'll catch a cold, Haruhi."

You probably think I was trying to be cool. Wrong. I was just too tired and too cold to care anymore. I did chance one look back though, and found her staring at me. I couldn't make out her expression this time, and I wasn't really interested anymore. Without turning back a second time, I made a beeline for home and hit the bed in cold, penniless exhaustion.

The next day at school, I arrived fairly early (or more precisely, on time) since I had slept so early last night. I entered the classroom, thinking I was going to be the first arrival. I was close; there was only one other person ahead of me in reaching class.

Surprise, it was Haruhi.

"You're here early," I said as a greeting, setting my bag onto my desk. To my surprise, she stood up to greet me, reaching into her bag and pulling out the jacket I lent her last night, which was neatly folded and… Did she clean my jacket?

"You didn't have to leave this with me, you know! I was perfectly fine without it!"

Whatever you say, Haruhi.

"And here! You forgot to take your wallet out of your pocket! Be more careful with your things from now on! This carelessness could lead to the downfall of the SOS Brigade!"

As she handed it to me, the sun's rays glistened onto a bracelet she had wrapped around her right wrist that looked strangely familiar. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, though.

There was just something familiar about those little golden suns.

* * *

**A/N:** The next chapter's gonna start a lot of the hectic harem stuff I usually do, but seeing as how Haruhi is the main coupling, and that if I didn't put this part in, she'd destroy the universe, I had to give her her own chapter. The next chapter will involve Yuki, Tsuruya, Mikuru, and possibly some intimidating advances from Ryoko too. I've dropped hints about what Yuki will do already too... Huhuhu. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

As the lunch bell tolled, so too did my stomach. Regret for spending all of my money had been hitting me throughout the morning lessons. What was it I spent it on? I couldn't really remember… Well, it doesn't change the fact that I'm broke anyway. While everybody was getting out of their seats to buy lunch or to eat their homemade meals with their friends, I found my head sitting on my desk, drooling fervently at their no doubt delicious meals. Even the simple melon bread from the cafeteria looked like bread for the Gods.

As usual, Haruhi was out of sight. I didn't care. I was just too hungry. Right now, the only thing on my mind was food. Food, food, food. Everything else could wait.

"Kyon."

While this voice was familiar, I stood firm to my words. I wasn't going to listen.

"Kyon."

Okay, fine. I'll look up. It seems my resolve for doing anything at all had already been finely dissected and broken down by Haruhi's oppressive fine-toothed comb.

To my surprise, the voice belonged to Yuki. Somehow, she had appeared right by my desk without me noticing. Did she teleport here or something? Knowing Yuki, it was actually a possibility. I weakly lifted my head, trying to greet Yuki properly. Upon doing so, I noticed that I was once again receiving many stares from my classmates, and right behind Yuki was Asakura, who was looking quite surprised herself.

"What's up, Yuki?" For Yuki to come all the way to my classroom, it had to be something important. She's never come to my classroom before. I wasn't sure she even went anywhere in school other than the clubroom.

"This."

She lifted her hands from behind her back, and produced two boxed lunches, elegantly wrapped with a plain purple cloth, and smelling absolutely famishing. Was this some kind of torture, to have Yuki show me such wonderful-smelling food?

Before I knew it, practically the entire class had centered on Yuki and me, gasping out in shock. Kunikida was looking particularly astonished, probably misinterpreting what Yuki was saying to me. Kunikida had been getting on my nerves poking fun at me with the whole umbrella incident, so I decided it was time to poke him back.

"Oh, Yuki! Could it be you want to eat with me? And you even made me lunch! I'm so glad!" I said, winking at Yuki. Go along with it, okay?

"…"

Her silence was followed with a very microscopic nod, and she grabbed at my sleeve, tugging it lightly. Nice touch, Yuki!

"Oh, you want to eat somewhere else, where we can be alone? How about we eat at the roof then?"

My eyes trailed over to Kunikida, and his defeated expression brought me so much joy that it must have been criminal. I smiled in satisfaction. Revenge tasted oh so sweet.

GRUMBLE.

It seemed that in the fuss, I had forgotten all about my dire hunger. Now that it was back, I found my eyes plastered on Yuki's lunch boxes. If only eating on the roof was what she really wanted…

Huh, she's still tugging on my sleeve. You don't have to go so far for me, Yuki. I don't deserve such attention. That was good enough…

"… The roof. Come."

Yuki was really letting this play out. I already got my kicks, but was it right for me to let her go on like this? My hunger was getting the better of me though, and before I knew it, I had grabbed Yuki by the wrist and was practically dragging her to the roof. I was just too hungry. I'll pay you back for this meal, Yuki, I swear! I just have to eat!

As I tore into Yuki's lunch box on the roof, I took note that the flavor was, in every aspect, perfect. I wasn't a food expert, but everything tasted amazing. It even contained plenty of foods that I personally liked, which surprised me. Where I imagined Asahina's cooking to be made with the love of a wife, you could say that Yuki's food was fit for a king.

Before I knew it, I had emptied the container, and felt much better now that my stomach had been satisfied.

"… Good?"

Huh?

"… Was it good?"

Are you kidding? Of course it was! It was unbelievable! I don't think food this good has ever been made on this earth. Perhaps Yuki could become a celebrity chef, traveling the world and making her perfect cooking.

"… I'm… Glad."

Perhaps it was the euphoria developed from a full stomach, but Yuki seemed a little different right now… Kind of homely, or something? It was like we were playing house, sitting here in our living room, the wife would now clean up my dish whether I insisted on doing it or not. Then she would warm the bath for me, and I'd scrub myself down. Then Yuki would walk in, in a towel, offering to wash my back before we'd take a dip together and…

Okay, this had better be full stomach euphoria, or I'm a perverted freak.

The door to the rooftop was thrown open bristly, and we received a very warm salutation from the only girl that had energy to match Haruhi: Tsuruya.

"Hey, hey, Kyon-kun!" she exclaimed, walking over and grabbing me. "I need to borrow ya for a bit! Do you mind?"

Yuki observed us quietly as I was coerced to do whatever it was Tsuruya wanted from me. Was there even a reason to ask if I'd mind if you were going to just drag me off like this?

"Yuki! I owe you for lunch, okay? Remind me or I'll forget."

"…Understood."

And with that last comment, I was dragged off the roof, and led downstairs.

"S-Slow down a bit Tsuruya-san, you're going to make us fall!"

"Gotta hurry, Kyon-kun! We gotta move quickly! Like lightning, Kyon-kun!"

What for? This is really dangerous. Didn't your mother explain the dangers of running down stairs like this? Especially with the way you're dragging me, it's like we're asking for an accident.

Ah, karma strikes again.

Tsuruya tripped. The next thing I knew, I was hurtling through the air with her. My arms moved instinctively, grabbing Tsuruya and tucking her body to my chest and shielding her with my arms. I felt the stairs as they hit my back, then my arms, then my back…

I was tumbling down the stairs like a slinky. It wasn't quite as fun as a slinky, though.

Just as I felt like I was going to faint from pain, I felt the flat floor thud on my side as my back slid towards the wall, which brought us to a halt. I realized I had tightly shut my eyes during the fall, and I opened them to see the top of Tsuruya's head, which I was oh-so-endearingly clutching onto my chest. I could feel Tsuruya shaking lightly. Somehow, this helpless aura she was giving off made her seem very cute right now. Definitely a part of her I hadn't imagined existed.

"Are you okay? Tsuruya-san?"

She didn't answer. I felt her fingers tighten onto the front of my shirt, which made my back stiffen. I gulped nervously.

"S-See? This is why you shouldn't run down stairs like that."

She began rubbing her face onto my shirt, so I assumed she was crying. Man, that was just too adorable. Dammit, moron! That's not what you should be thinking right now! She could be hurt!

"Um, Tsuruya-san, please tell me that you aren't hurt."

She stopped shaking after I said that, and looked up at me like a child. Or is it… sideways at me… Well, it was up from where I was looking. There really were little tears on her eyes, so I reached into my pocket with my left hand to pull out my handkerchief, dabbing at her eyes.

"K-Kyon-kun… Ya don't gotta do that, ya know…" She finally responded to me, which relieved me a bit. "Hehe, I guess this would be payback for when I lent ya my handkerchief, huh, Kyon-kun?"

Oh yeah, she did lend me her handkerchief before. Gee, I should remember to return it soon…

"Consider this interest until I return yours, then." I tucked the handkerchief into one of her hands, and she looked at it for a moment, then back up at me. She was smiling again, which was good.

"So, do ya wanna lay down with me some more, Kyon?" she said with a grin. Now that she mentioned it…

I jumped to my feet quickly, stepping away from her shyly. She pulled herself up, grinning at me as though nothing had happened. Thankfully she really did look fine.

"Ya know what, Kyon-kun? You're kind of cool!"

What? Me? Cool? That was a first. She was probably just kidding around like always.

"Anyway, where did you want to take me?"

Before she could answer, the bell tolled, signaling the end of lunch. I guess it would have to wait for now. But now I was really curious: where did she want to take me?

"No worries, Kyon-kun! It's no rush! I'll borrow you again next time! Thanks again, Kyon-kun!"

And with that, Tsuruya dashed down the corridor, turning and waving at me enthusiastically. Jeez, if you weren't in a hurry, then why were we running before? And running without looking like you are now is dangerous! Didn't you learn anything? This girl was such a walking disaster.

I returned to my classroom a bit late, and was scolded for a moment before being sent to my seat. Haruhi looked at me with crossed arms.

"Why were you late coming back?" she demanded.

No real reason.

"You're lying! Were you with Asakura-san?"

What? No! She was already in class on time, wasn't she?

"Shut up Kyon! I can see that!"

This was going nowhere, so I sighed, turned to the front and picked up my pen so I could start taking down notes.

…Huh.

…Ah.

…Hm.

I stared at my right hand for a moment. I raised my other hand and looked at it as well. My right hand was almost twice as big as the other hand from intense swelling. I guess I must've hurt myself when I fell. Funny, now that I've seen my hand, all the pain that I should have been feeling came now, and it was agonizing. It's like when a mosquito bites you, and you only feel itchy when you find the bump underneath your arm.

"Pay attention, all of you! These notes are going to be very important in an upcoming test! They will be essential!"

I couldn't very well leave for the nurse's office now. I would have to bear with the pain for the time being. I'll just drop by the nurse's office later. It couldn't be that big of a problem, could it?

Or so I thought, as I found writing to be nigh impossible. My handwriting was bad enough to begin with, and now I had all kinds of strange squiggles and symbols showing up on my paper in place of kana. The pain was much worse than I had expected… But I really needed these notes. If we were having an exam and I was to fail, I somehow get the feeling that Haruhi would consider it an embarrassment to the SOS Brigade and have me punished. And my parents wouldn't be too impressed. So what do I do now?

"Excuse me, Okabe-sensei." That was Asakura's voice, if I wasn't mistaken. I was too busy grimacing in pain to open my eyes and find out. "Kyon seems to have hurt his hand. May I escort him to the nurse's office?"

How did she notice? Asakura sat ahead of me to the right, around the centre of the classroom. I guess she was really keeping her eye on me… Probably hoping for a golden opportunity like this one.

"Please don't mind me, Sensei! It doesn't hurt at all, really!"

Hmm, maybe I was being a bit too insistent. Then again, how insistent could you be when your life was on the line?

Asakura stood up and walked towards my table, the eyes of my classmates following closely as she stopped in front of me. And without warning, she gave me a light tap on my hand.

"OWWWWWW!!!"

The class had fallen into silence as they stared at me after I had flinched in complete agony, now standing on my feet and cradling my right hand. This was way too embarrassing right now. I seemed to be really good at getting everybody's attention lately.

"You don't have to act tough, Kyon."

I wasn't acting tough! I'm thinking about my life, here!

"Your hand doesn't look very good, now that you mention it, Asakura-san. Very well! Please escort him to the nurse's office, Asakura-san!"

I turned to Haruhi once again, in hopes of some kind of sympathy. I knew it was impossible though. She didn't even know about Asakura's real intentions anyway. However, when she scowled at me and turned to look out the window, I can really say that it wasn't the reaction I had expected.

"Come, Kyon."

Here I come, Death. Please treat me well. I've always tried to be a good person. And please let me visit Asahina every now and then.

Asakura held onto my arm and led me outside, and eyes followed us all the way to the door. As we trod through the hallway towards the nurse's office, I decided it was time for me to confront Asakura and take the initiative for once. If I was going to die, I may as well go down in style, like a superhero or something. At the least, I didn't want to look like a total coward.

"Asakura-san, I know what you're trying to do…" I began. This was when I realized I actually had no idea what to say. Congratulations, Kyon. You are an idiot.

"You still haven't answered my question, Kyon. Will you be my boyfriend?"

Once again my typical male reaction kicked in with a mix of flattery, anxiety, and hope. Damn this alien for looking so human! She's totally tricking my mind!

"W-Why with that silly question again? How the heck am I supposed to answer that?"

She came close to my face once again, letting her fingertips slip over my lips, sending a shocking sensation through my body.

"With these beautiful lips, Kyon."

Asakura then walked away, leaving me standing there with what must have been a very shocked face indeed. When I came to my senses, I found that we had already reached the nurse's office. Wishful thinking would lead me to believe that she had really given up on killing me, that she was now an ordinary schoolgirl that was eagerly awaiting my answer to her confession.

But wishful thinking was always going to stay wishful thinking. I knew this from experience. Ah, ignorance must definitely be bliss…

I stepped into the nurse's office, uttering a greeting to inform them of my presence.

"O-Oh, one moment, please…"

The soft, tender voice was suspiciously familiar. To my surprise, the 'they' I referred to as the nurses or doctors I thought I'd find turned out to just be a 'she', and that 'she', even more to my surprise, was Asahina Mikuru wearing her nurse outfit.

"K-Kyon!? What are you doing here?"

Shouldn't I be the one asking that question?

"Actually, I was sitting in our club room because I had a free lesson, and um… the nurse happened to be passing by while I was…"

Asahina fidgeted about, which only served to amplify her charm tenfold.

"… I was wearing the nurse's outfit, and… She suddenly asked me to be her apprentice nurse… I don't really understand but…"

I was more curious about why she was wearing that nurse's outfit to begin with. Haruhi was clearly in class with me. Haruhi must have woken up a cosplay interest in her. It's okay, Asahina! Everybody will embrace your love for cosplay!

… But that doesn't mean just anybody can see you! It's fine if it's just me. It appeared I was the only visitor at the nurse's office, which relieved me. Nobody should be allowed to see Asahina like this except me. And the other club members, I suppose.

"So why are you here, Kyon?"

Seeing as how she was technically the nurse, I lifted up my hand to show her.

"Ah! What happened to you, Kyon?"

"Just a little accident. Nothing to worry about."

I may have said that, but Asahina looked genuinely worried about my hand. She led me to one of the beds and sat me down, preparing an ice pack and some ointment. For someone that was just filling in, it seemed that Asahina really knew her stuff. Kneeling in front of me, she gently massaged the ointment onto my hand. After a moment, she sighed in relief.

"It doesn't feel like anything's broken. If you leave your hand alone for awhile, it should heal right up!" Asahina looked up at me with her angelic smile, and it made me feel better already. After applying the ointment, she gently set the ice pack on my hand, the cold sensation soothing me. Ah, this kind of reminds me of the way my mother would care for me when I was a kid.

"You'll make a great wife someday, Asahina."

"W-What? W-Wife?"

"Ah, my apprentice! How are you doing?"

The school nurse had arrived, a very bubbly young woman. She immediately gave Asahina a great big hug, causing Asahina to yelp in surprise.

"P-Please, stop that, Sensei!"

"But it's so fun!"

I wondered if I could call this sexual harassment or not. Well, at least I found out why the nurse took Asahina as an apprentice – she was another victim to Asahina's devilishly cute charms.

* * *

After the swelling had greatly reduced, I was excused from the nurse's office. Classes were just about to end, so I decided it would be better to just wait at the clubroom. As I reached the clubroom, I found Koizumi leaning against the wall just outside the door. Oh, I hoped he wasn't waiting for me. 

"I've been waiting for you, Kyon."

Damn.

"Can I take a moment of your time?"

Do I have a say in the matter? Let's just get this over with.

We began walking down the corridors aimlessly, and Koizumi brought up yesterday's problem.

"The giants were quite resilient at first, but they seemed to calm down remarkably last night. You must have done something quite amazing."

I stared outside the window, watching as a cold wind blew off the final leaves from a tree. Winter was just around the corner, wasn't it?

"Had it not been for your intervening, I can only imagine what would have happened. My organization is in your debt."

Oh hey, some birds were flying in a big V. Cool. It looked pretty cloudy… Maybe it'll rain tonight.

"However, Kyon, you must not let down your guard so soon. This is only the beginning. We at the organization feel something incredible is coming to pass. And we have every reason to believe the outcomes will rest solely on you."

Before Koizumi could continue, or I could start paying this guy any attention at all, the bell had rung. School had ended for the day, and that meant it was time for the SOS Brigade to band together and do what we do every afternoon – whatever the hell Haruhi wants.

"… Well, I said what I had to say, Kyon. I'd tell you more, but I'm sure you'll find out for yourself."

Yeah, whatever you say.

We headed back to the clubroom where Asahina, Yuki, and Haruhi had already arrived; doing the things they always did when I walked in. Asahina greeted me warmly, asking about my hand. Yuki didn't so much as budge, however she had an empty lunch box on the desk. And Haruhi, well… Haruhi just yelled at me for a while.

"Kyon! You're late! And you missed some very important notes! We were specifically told that they would be important! How could you just leave the class with that Asakura like that? Hey, hey! Are you listening to me, Kyon!?"

Yeah, yeah, I hear you.

"Hmph! You should be glad you have such a brilliant, caring leader such as myself! Here!"

She shoved a book into my hand. It was her notebook.

"You are to copy the notes you missed by tonight! And make sure you bring my book back tomorrow, or you'll be punished! And if you don't finish copying them, you will be punished further! Understand, Kyon?"

I flicked through the notebook quickly, and watched as her writing changed from barely comprehensible with many scribbles and side notes, to a surprisingly neat, tidy print done perfectly. The neatness just happened to begin at the notes that I needed. What a lucky time for Haruhi to finally decide on cleaning up her act and being a bit more organized.

"Hey, Haruhi."

"What?"

"Thanks."

* * *

**A/N: **I wasn't really too sure about how to portray Tsuruya's way of speaking, but I think you can get the idea with the way I wrote her. Anyway, I hope everybody's enjoying the story so far, sorry it's taking awhile to get to any actual harem things. But it's getting there, really! 


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

I was only human.

Okay, maybe that statement would mean next to nothing to you, but considering my surroundings, I am really saying something. But that's not exactly what I'm referring to when I say that. I'm human. I have wants and needs. And I wasn't just human. I was a male human. I had er… _special_ needs. Desires, if you will. Every now and then, a healthy guy will have certain ideas, certain urges involving the opposite sex. I had confidence in my ability to control said urges, I assure you. But lately I've been feeling really tense in my environment. I noticed my mind wandering into strange, perverted territory, and my concentration wavered easily.

It's because such attractive girls (strange and otherworldly, but attractive nonetheless) are constantly surrounding me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not pointing the gun at them or anything, it's just… It's really frustrating. Being a healthy male, I did now and then seek a strong relationship with a girl, but… Well, I'm sure I've made it clear that I'm not exactly that special of a guy. Rather, I am the epitome of ordinary. When they say there are plenty of fish in the sea, I'd be the fish that was just called fish – sort of like the way everybody has settled with just calling me Kyon. I mean does anybody even know my name?

But I digress… I was saying that I've been hit with sudden urges, right? Well, the reason for said urges was all thanks to an upcoming school trip. Due to some unforeseen circumstances, thanks to my unbelievable ignorance, my male libido had shifted into overdrive, and had begun pumping the nitro.

How about I just start from the beginning?

* * *

A week had passed since my swollen hand incident. Whether or not the week was eventful or not was beyond me. Days of hunger had completely wiped my memory of anything that had happened the entire week. Thankfully, my allowance was due, so I was finally going to be able to eat during school again! Oh, and before you point out that I could very well have made my own lunch, my parents wanted me to learn to be responsible with my money. Famine was my punishment. 

I was feeling good that day, and at the bell for recess, after Haruhi left to do whatever it was she did, I decided that I'd spend some time talking to Kunikida and Taniguchi, both of whom I had pretty much ignored the entire week.

"I finally got it! The telescope I was talking about! The one with super-high magnification!"

"No way, Taniguchi! You really did it? I thought you were just mouthing off as usual!"

"Ha-hah, Kunikida! You underestimate me! I for one will not waste our trip! I will make it the greatest trip ever! Those girls won't even know what's happening!"

Trip? What trip? Are you two going stargazing or something?

"Stargazing? What the hell are you on about, Kyon? We're talking about the hot springs! H-o-t s-p-r-i-n-g-s!"

You two are going to the hot springs? How come I wasn't told about this? Weren't you guys going to invite me?

"Invite you? Dude, it's the super-special, end-of-year trip! The whole school is going!"

I'm sorry, say what now?

"Kyon, you're sounding as though you haven't handed in you permission slip. Okabe-sensei made it clear that all boys were to hand it in by the end of last week." Kunikida inspected my face closely. I can only imagine what face I had on. "You… _did_ give in your permission slip, right?"

Oh.

Oh God.

Oh God, no.

Could it be, that in my vegetable state-of-mind, that something so big occurred? They must be screwing with me, right? I didn't just miss our end-of-year trip, right? They explained to me that the first announcement of the trip occurred during my time at the nurse's office, and was mentioned every morning afterwards.

"Dude, you're scaring us. Tell us you gave your permission slip in."

The bell tolled, ending recess. Or in my ears, it was the signal for the 'idiot' shooters to line up and execute me.

* * *

I spent the rest of the day in a depressed trance, waiting until the end of the day to speak with Okabe-sensei. 

"Kyon, what are you doing? We've got a meeting to hold!" Haruhi was as impatient as ever.

"Go ahead of me. I've got to talk to the teacher for a minute."

"… Fine, but don't take too long. The meeting can't begin without all of us!"

After everybody had left, I asked Okabe-sensei about the trip.

"Oh, yeah, the hot springs trip. I'm pretty sure the boys have given in their permission slips already. They've already been sent to the resort, and now we're just collecting the girls' slips. Is something the matter?"

Yeah, actually, about that…

"You haven't given in your permission slip? Why not?"

I was unaware! Had I known, I would have prepared it quick smart!

"Well, I'm sorry to say that there's nothing we can really do about it. You see, the resort's lodgings are separated in two – the girls and boys, in our case. They have two campuses of accommodation, which are run by different hotel companies, so we have to send them the slips separately. Unfortunately, it's much too late for us to change the bookings. We can't make refunds, nor can we suddenly make an extra booking."

I felt my shoulders slump as I realized I would be missing this trip. Exactly what was I to do if everybody in my school was off having fun while I'd be the sole student in North High? My future was looking bleak…

I excused myself, dragging my feet to the clubroom and solemnly taking a seat.

"Kyon, you're really late! Never mind, there's nothing we can do now but make up for lost time! Anyway, I wanted to discuss what activities we'd be having during our hot springs trip!"

I think I must have groaned as my head sunk down to the table, because I had gotten everybody's attention.

"Kyon! I won't accept this unmotivated attitude of yours! If you're like this during the trip-"

"I'm not going."

A sudden silence befell the room, and I quickly explained my situation.

"Oh no, Kyon…" Asahina played with her fingers glumly. Unfortunately, not even Asahina's maid outfit could cheer me up this time.

"Kyon…"

Haruhi stood up, and began walking towards me. Could it be, she felt bad for me?

"You…"

She stood behind me, placing her hands on my shoulders.

"IDIOT!"

Her arms shot around my neck, tightening on me. Man, Haruhi was _really_ pissed. As she strangled me, yelling profanities of all kinds, the others just watched as Haruhi vented everything out. After she finished, she waltzed out of the clubroom, without so much as a 'goodbye'.

"Haruhi didn't seem very happy."

No kidding, Sherlock Itsuki. I would tell you that you're stating the obvious, but that would just be stating the obvious. And I refuse to be anything like you.

"It's quite tender of her to care for you like that."

Care for me? She was choking me mercilessly! And I'd hardly call the language she used 'tender'. It was quite obvious for all to see, if you ask me. Haruhi just needed a lap dog to handle her luggage and assist with all other menial chores.

"Why aren't you going on the trip, Kyon? Is something the matter?" Asahina asked with concern.

"I'm also quite curious. It's quite surreal to find that even Yuki was willing to join this venture and that you would decline. Besides, Haruhi has very much been looking forward to this all week."

Even Yuki gave in her permission slip? Now I just felt weird. I gave them an abbreviated version of the story (which reminded me to thank Yuki again for the food she made me that day) and told them about my dilemma. Apparently, the girls of the SOS Brigade had given their slips in as soon as possible thanks to Haruhi's vigorous coaxing. In other words, the entire SOS Brigade was heading for the trip, minus one.

Me.

"Well, since we aren't sure of whether or not Haruhi will be returning, how about we play some chess for the next hour or two, and if she doesn't return we'll call it a day?"

Fair enough. Beating you in chess may help me vent some anger of my own, anyway. I may not pummel you with my fists, but I will totally checkmate you until you cry.

* * *

Koizumi and I had played for roughly an hour, and I was just too depressed and bored to go on. I had hoped the game would ease my mood, but it only serves to elevate my feeling of impending doom. In time, the entire school would be heading for a trip, leaving me, all alone, waiting for them to come back and tell me what a grand time they had. 

What? I wasn't going to be lonely! Not at all! I was fine with the ordeal. So I wouldn't be joining everyone at the hot springs resort, big deal… And I wouldn't be enjoying the fine, refreshing waters from the mountains, that's okay…

All right, it wasn't okay. I wanted to go with everyone and have a fun end-of-year celebration. I wanted to frolic about the pools, see Asahina in a bath towel, and pretty much relax. There just had to be a way to go. Somehow…

There was a knock at the door, and Asahina answered it. It was Tsuruya. What was she doing still at school?

"Yo, Kyon! Hiya, Mikuru!" she yelled out. Asahina responded with a cute little wave and a sweet smile. "I heard about ya from Haru-pyon, Kyon! Why aren't ya going to the trip?"

I once again explained my situation, abbreviating it even more than last time. I just couldn't be bothered explaining my stupidity so often.

"Ah, is that all, Kyon?" Tsuruya tentatively played with her cheek, poking it fervently. She suddenly slapped her fist onto her hand as she grinned brightly. "I think I can handle this, Kyon!"

Really? What are you intending to do?

"My family has a lot of connections, Kyon! I'm pretty sure we know one of the hotel CEOs intimately! I can ask my parents to help ya out! Anyway, I'm gonna rush home and see what I can do for ya!"

You really don't have to go through so much for me, Tsuruya. It makes me feel like a burden.

"Not at all, Kyon! I want ya to come anyway! We're gonna have _lots_ of fun!" Tsuruya gave me a quick smile and a frantic wave before dashing off again. I shuddered for a moment. The way she said we'd have fun reminded me of Haruhi. Scary.

* * *

In the end, Haruhi didn't return, and we all decided to just call it a day. I took a moment to watch the others. Koizumi was putting the board games back onto the shelf neatly. Yuki was setting down her novel… Hey wait a minute, is that a manga? From the look of it, it was a pretty typical shoujo manga, with the fluttery-eyed girl and an unrealistically tall and skinny guy that would probably fight thugs off her or something. I don't really read shoujo manga, but I assume it follows that kind of trend. Asahina had just finished rinsing the cups, and was laying them to dry on some cloth. After that, she looked to be waiting for us to leave so she could get changed. 

As I was leaving the room with Yuki and Koizumi, I was contemplating silently. Tsuruya definitely had an influential family, and Koizumi confirmed it after I found out about her family's connection to Koizumi's agency. I didn't want to get too hopeful though. I mean, how much could she possibly do?

"Don't fret too much, my dear Kyon." Don't ever call me that again, it's too creepy. "Tsuruya-san has a very powerful family. And I'm sure even if she can't do anything about it, Haruhi most certainly will. I myself cannot see the SOS Brigade having fun without you."

How do you even know what I'm thinking about? You can read minds, can't you!?

"I can just see it on your face."

Koizumi then bade me farewell, and left without another word. I sighed heavily. That Koizumi sure knew how to irritate me in ways I couldn't even explain.

"Kyon."

"What's up, Yuki?"

"If you do not manage to join the excursion, I calculate that the disturbance it could cause in individuals such as Suzumiya Haruhi to be disastrous. The possibility of alteration to the world is quite high with circumstances as they are now."

You make it sound like Haruhi will morph the world so that someone will be her crony while I'm not there. It's unfortunate that I can only agree with this notion.

"As well as this, I feel that Asakura Ryoko will also be taking initiatives against you. I would prefer you to be in my vicinity so that I may prevent such problems."

Ah, so you're essentially saying you want me to be there, right? I'm just kidding, Yuki, I know what you mean.

"You are correct. I… Wish for you to be there."

Yuki then walked off, leaving me a little dumbfounded. I didn't think Yuki had it in her to make a joke. I'm quite impressed.

The door opened, and Asahina, back in her ordinary uniform, stepped out, yelping softly as she almost walked into me.

"Are you okay, Asahina?"

"Y-Yes, thank you…"

Asahina fidgeted about for a moment, then looked up at me with those innocent eyes, which drove me crazy.

"K-Kyon… I hope you can make it to the trip…"

"Yeah, I know. Somebody has to keep Haruhi in check."

"No, that's not it… I mean… Uhu…"

Asahina seemed to have trouble with words at the moment. I felt something was wrong, but what? I wonder…

I clapped my hand on her shoulder, and tried to give her a reassuring look.

"I'm sure everything will work out somehow, so try not to worry too much. I want to be there for the same reason you want me there, too."

I'm sure that was it. She must've felt that Haruhi would go berserk without someone to throw around, and was worried that the world would be destroyed or something. She looked flushed though, her cheeks tingling red. Perhaps I was wrong, and what I said is making her want to laugh, but she doesn't want to laugh right in front of me.

"Ehe… D-Did you notice, Kyon? I feel a bit… embarrassed, but… Thank you, Kyon."

She looked up at me with a smile that could melt the polar ice caps before gently skipping away, waving to me once more before disappearing down the stairs. I have no idea what she meant by embarrassed, but hey. It seemed I got the right idea, didn't I?

I somehow had the urge to take a walk around the school for a while. Don't ask me why, I wouldn't be able to give an answer to that. I walked around the corridors for a while, and my ear caught onto the sound of music. An acoustic guitar, I think. Soon I heard a singing voice accompany it, a very beautiful voice. I didn't know much about music, but I'd describe the sound as being somewhat… Romantic? Sad-ish? I followed the music like a hypnotized rattlesnake, and soon found myself standing outside one of the music rooms. I slowly opened the door, and there, sitting alone on one of the desks, was a young girl, deep in song, singing her heart out. I finally realized why the sound was so familiar to me.

I crept into the room, taking a seat in front of her, who was so absorbed into her music that her eyes were shut and she paid me no attention at all. I listened quietly to the whole song, and couldn't help but feel tingly inside. This was definitely a number I didn't expect to come out of this particular. As she came to an end, she took a relaxing breath.

Clap. Clap. Clap.

I gave her an ovation, causing her to quickly open her eyes and to look at me with an embarrassed expression.

"That was pretty good, Haruhi."

She gripped the guitar tightly, tilting her head away from me with a cute, angry expression.

"I don't need you to tell me that, Kyon! What are you doing here, anyway? School was over a long time ago!"

I was at the club. Remember? _Your_ club?

"Listen, Haruhi, about the trip…"

"I know already! You don't want to go, right? Why should I care? If you don't want to go, then that's none of my business, right?"

That's the exact opposite of what you usually think, Haruhi.

"Shut up! I don't care if you don't go, okay?"

"I want to go."

"Oh really? Perhaps you were just convinced by Asakura-san! Or maybe you just want to peek at girls when they're in the hot springs, huh?"

"I… Forgot to give in my note. I wanted to go."

Not for the stuff that you said, though.

"… Is that really it?"

I nodded, but she didn't look too convinced.

"Listen, what do I have to do to convince you?"

Definitely, the last thing I need is an upset Haruhi. If I could clear everything up now, it would be for the best - the best of the world, in fact.

Haruhi was resting her chin on the guitar, looking up at me with a thinking look and a pouted mouth. Finally, she lifted her head, and to my surprise, thrusted the guitar out to me.

"Play me a song!"

Say what? I don't know how to play guitar! And how does that help convince you of anything other than my inability to create music?

"Just hold this guitar! I'm going to teach you how to play something!"

I nervously grabbed the guitar, setting it down on my lap.

"You don't hold it like that, idiot! It's like this! Look closely, Kyon!"

I was put through Haruhi's crash course in guitar. Needless to say, Haruhi was not a very good teacher, and I was not a very good learner. I had an afternoon of yelling and the like, and I'm still crap at the guitar. Strangely though, the angst of the school trip was gone. I somehow felt that everything would work out in the end. Why? Good question. Good question indeed.

* * *

The next day of school came, and during recess, Okabe-sensei called me to speak with him for a moment. 

"Well, it's about the school trip. Normally, there'd be nothing we can do, but it seems that you've received some surprising support in order to get you to join the trip."

It must be Tsuruya's family.

"I was actually approached by many people today before school began, all of them insisting that you come along on the trip. Most of them were girls, too! I counted about six girls that practically begged for you to be there!"

What's that supposed to mean? And what's with that look?

"Anyway, there _is_ a way for you to go, although it's a little unconventional. The booking on the boys' hotel cannot be changed; it's already set in their computers. However, we haven't set the girls' hotel yet."

Whoa, wait a minute. Could you mean what I think you mean?

"The girls that approached me all agreed that they'd have no problem with you staying in the girl's hotel, so we've been able to book you a space there."

WHAT?!

* * *

And that's how my problems began. I was given access to the trip, but I'd be staying in the girl's hotel. This was wrong in so many ways… Yet it felt so… No! I shouldn't look too much into this! This is just so that Haruhi doesn't destroy the world! The ones who got me in were the SOS Brigade, Tsuruya, and Asakura probably. 

Hang on a minute. He said six girls. I can count five. I'm pretty sure Koizumi wouldn't be mistaken for a girl… And it could've just been a miscount on Okabe-sensei's side… But if it wasn't…

Who could this other girl be?


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

** A/N:** I've tried to vouch for a Suzumiya Haruhi category, but it looks like I was ignored by the people upstairs. Maybe if more people ask they'll do something.

* * *

"Please-please-please take me with you!" 

This was certainly a familiar scene. My little sister had once again managed to infiltrate my life and steal information of the end-of-year trip I was going to.

"This is a school trip this time, so you can't come."

"Just take me!"

Honestly, this girl! She would sooner defy the laws of gravity than let me peacefully go on any form of excursion without her. It's not like I wouldn't have enough on my plate considering the circumstances.

In case you hadn't worked it out, yes, I decided I would go on the trip under the conditions prescribed by the teachers in charge of the trip. I would be staying at the girls' hotel rather than the boys'. I'd have my own room of course, that goes without saying. However, this doesn't change the fact that I will be the only boy in that particular hotel. Sounds like every man's dream come true, right? I wished I could see it that simply, but I just couldn't shake off this feeling that it would be a trip full of dire consequences.

Early tomorrow morning, all the students would be gathered at school and packed into an odd dozen buses and transported to the hot springs resort, sorted onto buses according to gender. This is due to the distance between the two hotels at the resort – the boys and girls will be taken to their respective hotels in order to unpack with as little hassle as possible.

But we can probably see what this means in my case, right?

After finally packing my bags, and getting my sister to quit whining and go to bed (which I'll admit didn't take as much effort as I had thought), I slumped my back onto my bed, staring at my ceiling.

My head was swimming with thoughts. For one thing, I found the very idea of letting a male stay with the females to be absurd. Wouldn't parents normally complain about such a dangerous idea? It felt way too convenient for everybody to just accept this arrangement. Was it right? I'm a man, after all. Don't they worry about me stalking around the hotel, assaulting unsuspecting girls, peeking in the showers?

I'm not saying I'd do that, but… Jeez, I just shouldn't bother thinking about this. I'm just going to take a deep breath, close my eyes, and go to sleep.

* * *

I didn't manage to sleep. In the end, I was more or less just lying around with my eyes closed for hours. I looked at my clock. It was almost four o' clock. Finally giving up on the notion of sleep, I rose to my feet, dead tired, yet not sleepy.

After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I decided that if I wasn't going to get any sleep that I may as well head for school now, and hope to catch a bit of sleep while waiting there. I changed into some decent clothes, making sure to wear a scarf and a warm jacket. The sun had yet to rise, and it looked cold outside. As my parents and sister seemed to be sleeping soundly, I grabbed my bags (which were a lot heavier than I anticipated) and quietly bade farewell at my front door.

The streets were so cold that my breath misted heavily. It almost felt like I was in an alternate dimension again, with a world void of people. I couldn't help but sigh at the thought of a blue giant suddenly passing me by. I was already working up a bit of a sweat with the weight of my luggage, and when I reached the hill heading towards my school I found myself laughing a little. Maybe if I waited for my parents to wake up I could've had a lift here. The thought didn't cross my mind earlier, and it was too late for that now. I'd just have to bite down and push on.

The trip up the hill had been longer and harder than I hoped. As I hazily reached North High's front gate, I slumped to the floor, setting down my bag and wiping my sweat off with my forearm. As I had expected, nobody else had arrived yet, including the teachers. Nobody in their right mind would arrive at the meeting spot almost an hour early, right?

Great. Now I was making fun of myself.

The strenuous trip here had made me weary, and I could finally feel sleep creeping into me. I lay down, my hands finding themselves wrapped around my bag. If I closed my eyes, I'd swear that my bag was alive. I imagined myself with a sweet girl, lying with her quietly and lulling to sleep. And I felt her cuddle up to me as well.

Or don't I mean imagined…?

* * *

"…on…"

Huh? What was that?

"K…n…Kyo…"

Who's there? Where am I?

"Wake up, Kyon!"

I grunted as my eyes suddenly shot open, and I found a group of people crowded around me, staring at me like I was an alien object that had crashed down to earth.

"What the hell are you doing, Kyon?"

The voice belonged to Haruhi. I groggily glanced at my watch. It was a few minutes past six. The appointed time had arrived, and so too had the students and teachers. I heard people giggling and whispering about me.

Well, forgive me for being tired.

The teachers were ushering everyone about, packing the buses to leave. The boys were being taken care of first, and Taniguchi and Kunikida gave me confused looks as every boy other than myself were called and seated. The totally clueless look they had when the bus doors closed and their buses left was priceless.

I heard the girls chatting about my presence as well. I guess they hadn't all heard of the er… news. From the shocked looks they were having though, I'd guess that the truth was somehow spreading to all of them.

After my bag was settled into the luggage compartment, I was ushered into one of the buses by Okabe-sensei.

"Try to behave, okay? I don't think all the girls are really happy with the arrangement, but if you don't cause trouble, things should work out fine."

Oh, I'm _so_ sure you're right.

As I entered the bus filled with girls, I couldn't help but look down at my feet shyly. I knew their eyes were locked on me. I could feel their stares, and it gave me uncomfortable shivers.

I heard my name being yelled out, and I looked straight ahead to see Haruhi sitting close to the end of the bus. Asahina and Tsuruya occupied the two seats in front of her, and behind her sitting alone was Yuki, who was silently reading as usual. Opposite Haruhi was Asakura, who was vibrantly socializing with many of the girls, who looked like they were going to start squealing about a boy band or expensive accessories.

Haruhi's hands signaled to me, demanding that I take the seat next to her. I felt a bit reluctant though. Were it Asahina waving and saving a seat for me, then that would be a different story altogether. I sighed heavily. I supposed I did owe Haruhi for vouching for me to the teachers, so I would repay her by diligently following her orders. But only for now! I can't guarantee that I'll always be this tame for you.

"Remember, Kyon! You're going to be under my watchful eyes! You can't do anything inappropriate just because you're staying with the girls, okay!?"

What are you trying to say?

"You know what I mean, Kyon! You can't touch _any_ _other__girls_!"

'Any other girls'? Don't you mean any girls?

"W-What!? Of course that's what I meant! Shut up!"

Haruhi grumpily folded her arms and stared out her window. What's wrong with this girl?

As soon as the buses had all been prepared, the doors hissed shut, and the vehicles left one after the other. While the girls were chatting pretty loudly, I was suddenly feeling really weak. I felt my head teetering about like a clock's metronome, and my body felt limp.

"Hey, Kyon! What's wrong with you?"

Haruhi's voice seemed distant, I could barely make out her words. I saw Asahina and Tsuruya turn around to look at me, and their faces looked anxious. They were saying something to me, but I couldn't really hear anything, and the next thing I knew, everything was black.

This was just the beginning of my trial-filled excursion.

* * *

I opened my eyes to see a square-patterned ceiling, and a luxurious-looking light that doubled as a fan. My body felt heavy, as though I couldn't move. I must have been exhausted or something…

… Or perhaps it was just the weight of somebody lying on my stomach.

I tilted my head downwards to find a head of hair facing me, rhythmically moving up and down according to my breathing. This person's brown hair curved onto me, strewn over the top of my blanket.

"Nice to see you awake, Kyon. You certainly gave everyone in the bus a bit of a scare."

I hate it when the first thing I have to hear after waking up is Koizumi's voice. And I could've sword this had happened sometime before.

"Could you get Haruhi off me?"

"What do you mean? That isn't Haruhi."

Say that again? I looked at this head on top of me once more. Brown hair, a bit short, and tied into a little tail. Who else could this be?

As though on cue, the head on top of me fidgeted to life, getting up and rubbing her eyes with her back to me. As she turned around, I could only look in stunned silence.

"Kyon! You're awake! Hi!"

Why is my little sister here? I looked at Koizumi once again.

"We're at the hot springs, aren't we?"

"That we are, Kyon."

"It's the school trip, isn't it?"

"Right again."

Oh great.

My little sister could probably become a famous child spy with her annoying abilities. Koizumi explained she had popped out of my bag while I was unconscious about an hour ago, and apparently she convinced (more like tricked, I bet) the teachers in charge to allow her to stay in my jurisdiction.

"Where are Haruhi and the others?"

"They've been taking turns to watch over you the whole day. During the bus ride all the way to tonight we were careful to keep someone looking after you. The girls were exhausted, so after your sister appeared we offered to take their place so they could relax in the hot springs. Each of them has watched over you for at least two hours. It's almost eleven o' clock."

I was unconscious for almost an entire day? I guess it really wasn't healthy staying up that late… And going out that early with so much luggage… And sleeping outside…

I've got to stop making myself sound so pathetic.

My body was feeling a bit stiff, so I decided to take a bit of a walk around. Thankfully, my little sister was already asleep on my bed, so I wouldn't have to worry about her for now. Koizumi informed me that we were at the girls' hotel, and that he would have to head back to the boys' hotel now that I had awoken. I decided to let him leave before going on my walk. I felt like having a bit of 'me' time.

The resort was huge to say the least. It felt like a theme park, and I half-expected to find a roller coaster with a line of people waiting to jump on it. They even had maps and rest stations placed here and there. It was a location large enough to warrant the need for a moment of rest.

Following the maps, I managed to lead myself to the largest hot springs in the area, which was at the centre of the resort. It was the largest out of three that were scattered about the place. The hot springs itself was pretty big, and I faced the two large doorways, one for men and one for women. The hot springs would probably make me feel a little better, and at this time of night, it appeared that nobody would still be here.

I stepped into the change-room, setting my clothes into one of the compartments and grabbing a fresh towel along with a bucket and some soap and shampoo. I yawned as I stepped into the hot springs area, and I was impressed by the size and atmosphere. The air was warm, and the rocks at my feet were damp and smooth. I wasted no time in washing myself off so that I could jump in as soon as possible. After a rushed scrub job, I slipped into the springs, and rested my back onto one of the rocks that were sitting in the middle of the hot spring.

The heat indeed felt invigorating. I let my head tilt back, and I saw a beautiful starry sky. Ah… This was so relaxing. Nothing could wreck this moment.

"This is really great isn't it?"

Yes, that it is. That it is.

"The water feels so nice against my skin"

I know what you mean.

"The temperature is thirty-seven point four degrees Celsius."

Uh… It could be, I guess?

"Mikuru! Let's have a swimming race! Now!"

Don't swim in the hot springs! That's childish! And my name's not Mikuru!

… Hey, wait a second.

Oh.

Don't turn around Kyon. Don't you dare. Lets just edge our way slowly to the door. Yeah… Just slide through the water carefully, don't make any ripples or they might see you… That's it… You're almost at the edge…

"…Kyon?"

Mission failed. 'Kyon! Kyon? Kyoooooon!!!'

Had I paid attention to the numerous signs about this place, I'd probably have realized that this one hot spring, aside from being the largest, was also the only unisex hot springs.

And what do you know? Haruhi and the others were already in here. I can see this becoming a very painful experience.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"You finally woke up, Kyon! You know what trouble you've given your gracious commander and her underlings?!"

"Er, I am not Kyon. I am… Uh… Foreign, er… Dave. Foreign Dave."

Wow. That was so brilliant. Now they'll _never_ guess who I was. Maybe I should start reading 'baby name' books. I think my idea of names is very bland.

"What the hell are you talking about Kyon!?" Haruhi's voice rang out like a bell, which served to drown out the sudden gasps and whimpers made by the others. Asahina made the most little noises though, and it just made me want to turn around and accept whatever punishment Haruhi had to offer. "More importantly, Kyon! Why are you in here?"

I keep myself turned away, which was very, very difficult for my hot blood. First of all, standing behind me, naked, were Asahina, Yuki, Haruhi, and probably even Tsuruya. Asakura could be there, but then again, I think she would've killed me by now.

"Hey! Face me when I'm talking to you!"

What the hell? Are you insane, Haruhi? I know you have no shame, but this is downright wrong. Don't drag the other girls into your pit of brazenness.

However, regardless of what I thought, I felt a warm, wet hand clamp onto my shoulder tightly, swinging me around. In a desperate attempt to avoid exile from the girls for the rest of the trip, I tightly shut my eyes, and tried to force Haruhi away by madly swinging my arms. All it managed to do was make me fall over, toppling against the rocky edge of the springs and swallowing a little water. Hmm… I wonder if the water has the scent of the girls…

Damn perverted brain.

As I began coughing, I felt Haruhi's arms clench my head like a nutcracker, and she tilted my head up at hers. I tried to keep my eyes shut, but Haruhi's fingers forced them open.

Goodbye cruel world…

Or not. As I opened my eyes, I noticed that she wearing a towel over herself. A quick glance at the others showed that they were as well. And as I had guessed, Tsuruya and Asakura were indeed here as well. I sighed deeply. But I wasn't sure whether it was a sigh of relief, or disappointment.

"So! You probably thought you could get a sneak peek at Mikuru's body, huh? Or maybe at Asakura?"

I saw Asahina cave into the water, shyly clinging to her legs. That's too adorable.

"Kyon, if you want to see my body…" Asakura got up and walked towards me, her towel just barely covering her. "You know that I belong to you."

"W-What the heck? Are you hiding something from me, Kyon?!"

It's a misunderstanding, really!

"Wait."

The sound of Yuki's voice stopped Asakura for a moment, and this time Yuki began to approach me. I really had no idea what was going on now.

"It would be unadvisable for you to do this here."

Asakura smirked back at her, which sent shivers down my spine as usual.

"Oho? Do what?"

Was it just me, or did Yuki suddenly seem uncomfortable?

"… Do this."

"What?"

"… This."

"I'm afraid I don't understand. What _exactly_ do you not want me to do?"

"…"

I think I finally see what Yuki's trying to do. Asakura must be trying to find a chance to kill me again! So Yuki is saving my life again. Ha! At least now I know what's going on.

"Um, I think I'm done, I'm just going to leave now…"

"Oh, no you don't, Kyon! You have to explain yourself to me!"

Dammit, Haruhi, not now! I'm going to die!

I urgently tried to think back, and recalled something like this situation happening in a popular anime. It was actually a pretty similar situation in one of those harem-style anime, so much that it felt like we had quoted every line. Now then… What was it that the guy said to get out of this…?

"I can't stay here right now… because I don't want to see the girl I like this way until out feelings are mutual."

Man, can such a cheesy guy really exist? Do girls really like that mushy stuff? I think it's kind of pathetic, really.

Either way, it seems to have worked. Haruhi's grip suddenly loosened on me, and her face seemed to be flushed. Probably the heat was starting to get to her. The other girls seemed to have frozen in place too. I'm not in an alternate dimension again, am I?

Argh! Whatever! I'm just getting out of here now. With a hurried wave goodbye, I shielded myself with my towel and ran into the change room. Barely having time, I just threw my pants on, and was already running outside with my shirt stuck on my head. Blindly, I tried to guess which direction was the direction to the hotel, and in my rush, I ran into something. I fell backwards suddenly, and heard whatever I ran into yelp in a high-pitched voice.

Huh? I took the shirt off my head, and saw a girl, wearing her brown hair in a ponytail, lightly rubbing her head.

"Sorry. Are you okay?"

I was still in a rush to get away, so I hurriedly lifted her to her feet. It seemed she wasn't ready for it though, and she tripped onto me. I guess I was a bit too harsh lifting her up like that, but I still wanted to leave fast.

"It's okay, I'm fine…" the girl looked up at me from my chest, and I must say it made her seem quite cute. I liked the ponytail too. As she looked at me, her eyes suddenly widened, as though she just realized something. It didn't matter to me right now though, as I still wanted to just lock myself in my room. I lightly patted her head where she fell, then turned and started to run once again.

"Wait… Kyon?"

Sorry, but I can't wait today. I have to hide in my room. With a quick wave, I was off again, this time with my shirt properly on.

Huh… Did I tell her my name?

* * *

As I got to my room, I finally realized I was running half naked, and that I had forgotten to pick up my shirt earlier. I suddenly felt really tired though, and soon I just didn't care. I guess this is that sort of 'calm when in safe territory' thing. I found a message on my dresser from a teacher saying that my sister was moved to one of their rooms. They don't even trust me with my own sister? Bah, whatever, I don't care anymore.

Right now, I just wanted some peace and quiet.

* * *

I wonder, did I ever say at one point that I enjoyed life as it was for me? Because now, with my door somehow unlocked and open, and my desired peace and quiet ripped away, I can't really say I was in a joyful mood. I got up on my hands, sighing in depression. Well, I can't really say I didn't expect something like this to happen, now can I?

"Kyon! You can't get away from me that easily!" She glared at me, cracking her knuckles. I noticed the other girls were with her too now, thankfully fully dressed in their pajamas too. "You're going to be severely punished for destroying the innocence of so many innocent flowers!"

Innocent flowers? I can only see Asahina filling in that role. The rest of you would probably be better categorized as two hyper girls, a knife-loving maniac, and a human computer.

"My, my, Suzumiya-san. Calm down. I'm sure Kyon had no intentions of hurting our feelings…" Asakura's voice still made me shudder. She made her way over to me on the floor and crouched down in front of me, lowering her voice to a whisper. "If you have these feelings, Kyon, I can help you take care of them." She winked at me with a cheeky grin, and I started to feel really hot and bothered. Focus, damn you! Don't fall for her wily charms! You'll die!

Haruhi was approaching me this time, and the way she looked at me told me plain and clear: _I'm going to sock you one._

As I was just about to try and explain myself, another voice was heard. It belonged to one of the female teachers staying at the hotel.

"Is somebody there? What's with all the noise?"

The girls looked outside anxiously. It was already after hours, and they'd surely have a hard time explaining what they're doing near a boy's room.

No wait… I mean to say that_ I _would have a hard time explaining.

In anxious hurry, Haruhi pulled the girls into my room, and quickly locked it. The way she clung to the door and held her breath made her seem helpless, which was definitely a new look for her. It boosted her girl charms by one hundred points. The other girls were also just as quiet, except for Asakura, who was…

"H-Hey! Stop grabbing my leg!" I whispered urgently, sliding away from her in surprise. She just gave me that trademark killer's grin.

The teacher's footsteps were heard outside, and I could make out some of her shadow as she stood in front of my door. She was probably going to knock on it any second now, and I would be screwed.

"S-Sorry Sensei! I was the one making noise. I just tripped on the way back from the toilet. Sorry for the disturbance!"

A girl's voice was heard outside. Who could that be?

"Ah, Shimizu-chan? Are you okay? Please be more careful."

"Yes Sensei! I'll be going now."

The voice's owner was heard walking away, followed by the footsteps of the teacher. The girls sighed in relief.

We waited a few minutes in silence, and I found myself massaging the temples of my head. All these incidents were giving me a headache, and I wasn't in the mood to do anything more until tomorrow. It was time for me to make my desires clear.

"Look girls, I-"

"Since the teacher is probably patrolling outside still, I think we should all stay in this room tonight! Everyone agree?" Ugh, Haruhi strikes again.

"Yes!"

… What the hell? Why is everybody just agreeing to this? Doesn't everybody realize that this is a boy's room?

"Kyon! Are you disobeying me?"

This isn't about obeying or disobeying! This is about morals! This isn't the right thing. Even you should know that!

"Consider this your punishment for peeping on us! Don't think we'll let our guards down now, though! You're going to stay in that corner of the room, and we're going to use your bed." She pointed at me vigorously. "And you better not cross over to our side, or you'll be sorry!"

This isn't fair. I'm tired. I'm sleepy. And now, I'm watching a group of girls hijack my bed as though it's all right. To my surprise, they manage to fit somehow. I guess girls are just smaller that way… But regardless! I'm still losing my bed! Don't I have a say? And from the relaxed look they're all having, they are already lowering their guards! Am I not a man to them?

"Sorry, Kyon…" Asahina said, lightly clasping her hands together. "Thank you for having us, too."

Ah… I suppose it's okay… For tonight only, though! Don't think I've calmed down just like that!

Even if I wanted to, I was just much too exhausted to continue. Pulling out some spare sheets and a pillow from a drawer, I dropped to the wooden floor. It wasn't the most comfortable place, but I was too tired to notice.

One thing I did think about though, was the girl that had saved us from trouble just a moment ago. Who was she? Was it really mere coincidence that she came by? I really doubted that a girl just happened to fall over nearby… Shimizu? That name somehow rings a bell, I think…

Well, whatever. I guessed this, along with everything else, could be worried about tomorrow. Right now I needed sleep.

But of course, when there's a room full of girls and one hot-blooded male sleep becomes a pipe dream.

* * *

**A/N: **I'm not really getting as much time to write as I wish I could, so sorry for the long drawn-out periods between chapters. I'm working on it, really! Anyway, I'm throwing in an OC as I seem to do pretty often, so don't start looking up the name Shimizu thinking there's a character you missed. Anyway, I want a Haruhi category! Do something, staff! Argh! 


	9. Chapter 10

**A/N:** Sorry I haven't been updating lately everyone. I've recently begun working more, so I've had little time for writing. Although, since I just recently discovered that a Haruhi section was finally established after I pleaded for one around half a year ago, I thought it was a cause for celebration. So I took some time out to finish this chapter. Hope you all enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 10**

"A ghost, I tell you!"

I awoke groggily, my back in cramped pain from the wooden floorboards. From the rays of sunlight coming in through the roof's cracks I could tell morning had come.

"A ghost? You mean you heard those weird noises last night too?"

Hmm, after taking a little peek through the floorboards, I saw some of the girls had gathered together, and were talking about something strange. Ghosts?

"Yeah, yeah! The creaking from the ceiling! And there was that grunting noise! I was so scared I couldn't sleep!"

Huh, sounds more to me like there's a pervert in the roof! Haha… Oh… Wait a minute.

"M-Maybe we were overreacting! It could just be roaches!"

"What kind of roaches make that much noise!?"

"Um… giant ones?"

"Well, why don't we go _up_ there and find out?"

I… am in trouble.

"No way! Nobody in their right mind would go up there!"

Phew… I should be safe then, right? I can just wait until this nonsense dies down.

"W-Well… What about sending Kyon?"

Eh?

"Kyon? You mean that boy staying with us? How do you know his name?"

Heh, my popularity must be greater than I imagined.

"Everybody knows him! He's that weirdo Suzumiya's boyfriend and slave!"

… Popularity is highly overrated.

The girls walked off seemingly to find me, a task which they would probably fail. Regardless, I decided that getting out of the attic was probably a good idea.

After slipping down the ladder, I managed to put away the stairs just in time, as someone was heading my way in what sounded like a hurry. Just imagine my lack of surprise when I see Suzumiya Haruhi herself, followed by the two girls I spied on earlier.

"Kyon, there you are! I don't know why you wandered off without my permission, but right now there are more pressing matters! We have a stalker in the building!"

A stalker, eh? Are you sure?

"It's definitely, _definitely_ a stalker! It must be some strange old man or something that likes schoolgirls! Or some kind of tentacle-covered monster!"

Tentacle-covered monster? Where the hell are you getting these strange ideas from, woman? While I won't readily admit that I was up in the attic, it's just absurd to believe such nonsense. Although from the way that the other girls were excessively nodding at every word Haruhi spoke, perhaps it wasn't as absurd to them as it was to me.

"Kyon!" Haruhi exclaimed as she thrusted her pointed finger at me. "You have earned a new job! You're going to be the girls' hotel guardian!"

Guardian? Are you serious? It's as though I'm a character in an RPG and you're assigning me a class. Do people even use the word 'guardian' in that context nowadays? And I suppose I can't decline this gracious promotion, can I?

"Just take it like a man, Kyon! Remember that there aren't any other boys here, so unless you're so degenerated as to make girls defend themselves alone, you're going to accept this duty with all your might!"

Oh well, whatever. What harm could it do? There isn't any real dangers or evil, tentacle beasts lurking around here, so I guess it's okay to play along with this idea.

… Although, considering Haruhi's influence, she could actually turn that idea into reality, couldn't she? Nah, that's just _too_ weird. Alternate universes and the like can at least make sense to everyone in said universe, but a _tentacle monster_? I think not.

"Great! Okay Kyon, let's go!"

Go? Go where?

"Go hunting, of course! For the stalker monster pervert!"

After rushing off to gather me some 'equipment', or more accurately, a mop, a drumstick of uncooked chicken, and a bug catching net, Haruhi stood next to me in front of the attic door. While I'm sure she was contemplating some kind of vampire-killing tactic or something of the sort, I was too busy wondering how she found this weird array of stuff. A couple of other girls had gathered, curious to see what was happening.

"Okay, Kyon! The best place for us to start would be in the attic! So hurry up and get in there!"

Yeah, yeah, boss. I'll go up there right away, and come back to tell you there is no silly monster or stalker up there.

As I let the ladder slide down, which creaked incessantly, I felt a strange pang in the back of my neck flowing down my spine. I'd had similar sensations before. It was usually for the same reason.

Something was about to get weird.

It's not like I'm saying there's a monster up there or anything, that's just stupid. But I didn't want to take any chances.

"Haruhi, wait down here, okay? And when I go up, I'm going to close the door behind me. _Do not_ open it unless I say it's me."

"O-Of course!" Haruhi said, startled. My sudden enthusiasm must have caught her off guard. "I was going to suggest that anyway!"

Rolling my eyes as I clambered up, I let my head inch into the attic slowly, surveying the area carefully. While most of the attic was shrouded in shadows, the bits of light emanating from the floor below eased my vision, but only slightly. Why couldn't Haruhi have brought me a torch instead of this piece of uncooked meat? Where the heck did she get this? It's starting to smell bad.

After pulling the ladder back up, I began to close the door, but Haruhi's hand reached out and stopped me.

"Kyon."

"Yeah?"

Haruhi didn't look up at me, instead staring to her side.

"…Make sure you kill it."

"Uh… Yeah."

After that strange remark, she slowly released the door, and I pulled it shut. And just as I did…

SLIDE. SLIDE. SLIDE.

The sound of someone, or _something_, sliding along wooden floorboards caught my ear. I felt my heartbeat quicken slightly. Could Haruhi really have created some kind of monster? Of course I could just be overreacting. It could be a rat or something.

SLIDE. SLIDE. SLIDE.

I glanced at the mop and bug catching net in my hands, and tossed the net. It was probably going to be useless anyway. I tightened my grip on the mop. If Haruhi really did make something strange, I definitely had to get rid of it here before she could see it, or the world was going to be screwed. I guessed so, anyway.

Step after step and creak after creak, I slowly made for the direction of the sound. My eyes hadn't adjusted, and the atmosphere created by the light from the floor only served to rattle my nerves more.

SLIDE. SLIDE. SLIDE.

Now the sound was really close by. Lifting the mop over my head like a sword, I gulped what I hoped wouldn't be my last gulp.

BANG.

"Oof!"

Before I could think, something slammed me in the stomach. Crashing to the floor, I felt a floorboard bounce on the back of my head, dizzying me. Yep, there was definitely something here. And it felt organic… Ew… And it was sticky, too.

CRASH.

"Kyaaa!"

I hurriedly pulled myself up and climbed onto my feet, swaying a bit. That thing had made a hole in the floor, and was now in a girl's room. Crap, I can't believe I let it get away! Now that it's been seen, this could be really hard to explain… I hope it looks normal…

I made for the hole, and saw a girl getting cornered by… Oh God. No way. How could you think of such a thing, Haruhi?

That's right.

There was a freaking tentacle-covered _thing_ cornering a girl. This was going to be _really_ hard to explain.

Gr, no time for that now! I've got to help that girl first. Gripping onto the mop, I took a deep breath, and jumped, aiming my mop at him… _it._ As my mop crashed on top of it, along with me, the creature groaned, grabbing me with a sticky, disgusting tentacle and throwing me across the room with ease.

As my head crashed against the wall, all I could make out before passing out was the creature scuttling back to the attic and a girl peering over me shortly after. She seemed really familiar too…

"Are you okay, Kyon? Kyon!"

Hmm… Dammit Haruhi, why'd it have to be a tentacle monster?


	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**A/N: **Huh, stupid me had this chapter sitting on my document manager for like, half a year. I remember now that I had uploaded it while I was capped, and in slow frustration decided to upload it the beginning of the next month... I guess it kind of slipped my mind. Well, I guess I may as well pull the 'Suzumiya's story didn't go in order, so neither will mine' schtick... And uh, for those of you who don't accept that... Um... NnyEEH! _-Throws chapter at readers and runs-_

Enjoy.

* * *

Three sheep… Four sheep… Five sheep… 

"Mmn… Nya…"

Seven sheep… Eight Sheep…

"Hey, move a little closer, it's cramped…"

Eleven sheep… Twelve sheep…

"Aa… N-Not there, Suzumiya-san!"

Thirteen… Oh, to hell with this. Whoever can get to sleep with such a cheesy method is amazing. Then again, it could just be the circumstances… Actually, it's most certainly the circumstances. One reason is the uncomfortable wooden floor. I've been twisting and turning about for the last ten minutes in a futile attempt to find a good sleeping position. And the other reason would be-

"Kyon! Stop moving so much, we're trying to sleep! You're too noisy!"

… Yeah, that would be the other reason. If you could sleep through such an ordeal without incident, you'd have to be female. Sadly, I am one hundred percent male, so this just wouldn't do. My brain's been having flashes of naughty, erotic things, and I've begun to lose confidence in my restraint. Seriously, at least five times I've found myself inching towards the bed. If it weren't for Haruhi's occasional threats of pain and agony putting me back in my right mind, I'd be in that bed faster than a bullet train.

Oh man, I'm doing it again. My hands have begun to instinctively drag me slowly towards the bed. No! Must resist! I quickly slapped myself on the face, taking care not to be too loud about it. I took a deep breath, turned to face the wall, and tried once again to count sheep.

One sheep… Two sheep… Three sheep…

_Rustle. Rustle._

Four sheep… Five sheep…

_Rustle. Rustle._

The girls sure move a lot. That's making it a _lot_ harder to forget they're there… I'll just keep counting calmly… Six sheep… Seven sheep… Hey…

Suddenly, I felt a light breeze near my ear, strangely warm. Kind of like breathing…

"Hey, Kyon."

The voice startled me, and I found myself pouncing sideways, my forehead thumping onto the wall.

"Quiet down, Kyon!"

Ugh, you be quiet, crazy woman. Regardless, now wasn't the time to worry about her. Right now, there was someone right next to me. Who was it?

"Shh… Now, now, Kyon. I've altered my voice so that only you can hear it. You wouldn't want Haruhi to open her eyes and notice that I'm here with you, would you?"

Oh no… No… It's her. The insane Asakura was, at this moment, staring down at me as my back was pressed against the wall. I was a cornered hamster, with the deadly snake closing in to gobble me up… Why did that turn me on a bit? I'm such a masochistic freak.

"So Kyon…" Asakura was inching closer, lifting up one of her hands to reach out to me, causing me to flinch away. She giggled like a schoolgirl. That didn't make it any less frightening. "Do you mind if I cuddle up with you?"

"You can't."

Just as suddenly as Asakura had appeared by me, Yuki was now standing beside me as well. Judging from the volume of her voice, she had also somehow changed her voice in a way that the others wouldn't hear her.

"Oho, and how do you intend to stop me?"

I saw Yuki's dark silhouette twitch ever so slightly, and she slowly drooped to her knees, bending forward in my direction. The position made her look like a cat, and while I couldn't make out her face, it still came off on me as being quite cute.

In such a swift and fluid movement that I hadn't been able to react, Yuki had slid forward and now had her head suddenly nestled on top of my face, her breath slowly skipping past my ear.

Whatever the hell was happening, there was a sinful part of me that was enjoying it.

I felt a sudden groping on my ear, and realized that Yuki had wrapped her sweet, thin lips around my earlobe, and I felt her tongue briefly brush against it. The sensation was so incredible that I sharply gasped, stiffening like a corpse. She then, admittedly to my dismay, slinked off me, turning to face Asakura.

"That wasn't very fair," Asakura said with a frustrated voice. What was she talking about?

"I will do what I must to protect him."

What did she do? I lifted my hand and touched my earlobe. It was still warm and a little wet from Yuki's precious tongue… Oh my God, I'm such a shameful person.

"Very well, but are you willing to stay near him to keep your shield working all night? It looks quite uncomfortable."

"… I will."

Asakura briskly clicked her tongue before standing back up. "Very well, I'll let you go for tonight, Kyon." She leaned forward, and my eyes could barely make out the form of her chest, and my eyes decided this was all it had to make out. "But I'll get you sooner or later Kyon!"

And with that, she headed back over to the bed and got back in. I looked back at Yuki, who was still up on her knees looking at the bed. She slowly turned her head to face me. My eyes had adjusted a bit more to the dark by now, and I could almost make out her face. Her large, expressionless eyes were staring back at me. Was she waiting for something?

"Ah… It looks like you have to stay near me, right?" Normally I'd probably question what she did back there, but I think I've got the idea from listening to their conversation. There weren't any more spare blankets or pillows, so I moved aside and offered them to her.

"… -are."

Huh? I didn't hear her because of how soft and quiet her voice was right now.

"… Share."

Oh. Okay… Wait.

Yuki had already made her way next to me, lying on exactly half of the pillow and wrapping into exactly half of the blanket. She then lifted her hands to my face, taking a hold of my cheeks, and pulled me down onto the other half of the pillow. While staring into her eyes in a trance, she had begun to pull the rest of the blanket on to me.

"I will protect you."

I needed protection from one girl, from yet another girl. I seemed to find myself surrounded by supernaturally powerful women. How demeaning it was to be a man right now.

Yuki continued to stare at me quietly. At this range, the dark didn't matter. Her undeniably cute face was plastered right next to mine. Her body warmth underneath her thin pajamas was emanating towards me in the sheets…

I can't take this. This is unbearable. How can I possibly sleep like this? I guessed that Yuki probably didn't really need to sleep, because she never closed her eyes. She didn't even blink. Just kept staring at me with those eyes…

This was starting to get kind of creepy.

"Kyon!"

Oh crap! It's all over! The monster's slumber has ended, and most certainly this seen will earn me the death penalty. Goodbye world…

"Kyon!"

I nervously turned to the bed, where I was baffled to see Haruhi's arms outstretched in the air. They made the notion of shaking, most likely _my_ shoulders. Haruhi was sleep talking. Strange, but at least I'd live to see the daylight.

"Don't betray me Kyon, or you'll regret it!"

Urgh. I kind of felt sorry for the 'me' in her head. Anyhow, that scare made me determined to move from Yuki, else I'd find myself in Heaven with the rest of Earth's population and a lot of annoyed looks.

"Hey Yuki, I know that Asakura could kill me, but don't you think it would be much better if you went back to the bed? If Haruhi catches us, I think she'll take it the wrong way."

Yuki's expressionless face looked back at me. She knew I was right, right?

"I'm glad you want to protect me, but the world comes first. I'll just go out for a while or something."

I really did have to get out of here. I was certain that staying here would make me do something criminal…

"…You are right."

Yuki finally agreed, although she seemed kind of reluctant as she got up and moved for the bed again. Or that was just my mind screwing with me as usual.

I slowly rose to my feet, trying to be as quiet as possible, and tiptoed to the door. Resisting the urge to head for the bed instead, I managed to get a hold of what conscience I had left and silently left the room.

Just like in a manga, a cold wind brushed by me as I closed the door. Standing outside in my pajamas, I just couldn't shake the feeling that I had wasted a grand opportunity.

Oh yeah, and I also have nowhere to sleep now. I was at the girls' hotel, so simply changing rooms would do no good. And the boys' hotel was too far. Just thinking of walking the distance made me cringe.

I sighed deeply. I had to find somewhere to go and soon. If a teacher found me out after lights-out, he'd definitely send me back to my room, and he'd also see the group of girls in my bed.

I thought about where I was. This hotel had a really traditional style. It was built outwardly more than up, and only had two floors. I was currently on the second floor. I was feeling to tired to wander too far, so I had to find somewhere in the hotel that was secluded and hidden…

I tilted my head up as I thought, and the answer was right in front of me. Literally:

I could stay in the attic. I walked down the corridor and soon found the door to the attic, which thankfully wasn't locked. As I opened it, a small pull-down ladder tipped out, and I quickly made my way up.

After I shut the door behind me, the only light I got was from the floor, where strands of light from the corridors came up through the roof's somewhat shifty looking floor. Every step creaked, and the only thing in here was assorted junk.

"Cough! Cough!"

Yeah, very dusty junk, too. I was getting the feeling I wasn't going to enjoy this nap. But screw it. At least staying here, I can be certain of one thing.

I'm not going to be assaulting any girls tonight…

Right? I mean come on, what were the chances that sleeping in the attic like this would result in something bad? Practically zero, wasn't it? Isn't it?

… Enough of this nonsense. I'm just going to sleep, and dream happy things for a while. Like what I could've done in that room…

Kyon, you stupid pervert. You don't deserve a real name.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **Slow updates suck, I know, so again, sorry for the waiting. Oh yeah, and since I seem to get asked pretty often, I have no problems helping people with story writing, be it grammatical, creative, whatever kind of help you need that you think I could help out with. Essentially, just about any harem anime, some video game RPGs, and other popular anime and video games stories I could help out with. So yeah, if you need someone to bounce ideas off, maybe a casual beta checker, etc. Feel free to send me a PM and I'll see if I can help you.

* * *

**Chapter 11**

"Mmm…"

A refreshing sensation covered my body, kind of like slipping into warm water that's been scented with flowers and such. With such an incredible feeling, I thought only one thing.

I must have died.

Yes, that strange, tentacle _thing_ must have killed me, and sent me to this wonderful feeling. Ah… I suppose I can finally rest from trying to save the world from that silly girl Haruhi. I'm done… I mean, not that I'm not going to miss it, but… You know.

"Kyon…"

Ah, such a serenading voice touched my ears.

"Ah, Kyon…"

Mm, the angels are coming for me. I can make them out now, looking down at me. There's one with beautiful flowing green hair and a nice forehead, another with nice, full eyebrows. There's another cute one, with short hair and a very calm expression. Ah, one with a very beautiful face, and a nice cleavage I might add. There's one over there, with short black hair and a somehow soothingly familiar feel to her.

And there's one more beautiful angel looking down at me, with a very caring and worried face. Could that angel be worried about me? Never fear, beautiful angel, I'll come into your arms willingly!

I reached out to them, smiling weakly as I threw my arms around them. Take me to paradise, everyone!

"K-K-KYON!!!"

Within the next few moments, I learnt quite a bit. Number one: I wasn't actually dead. Number two: They weren't actually angels. And number three: When a boy they probably assumed was dead suddenly grabs a group of girls, they tend to react with a _very_ strong shove.

"Uh… Sorry."

"W-What do you think you're doing, Kyon!?" As expected, Haruhi was pretty pissed.

"I thought you were angels," I said honestly. The girls flinched. Maybe I shouldn't have told them I thought I was dead. They probably think I'm an idiot now. Oh well.

I suddenly realized that there was one other I had grabbed, one that wasn't really related to the SOS club, at least as far as I could tell. She had short, black hair, was probably as tall as Yuki, and… well, she seemed really familiar.

"Ah!" I exclaimed, pointing at her. "It's you!"

Her face smiled suddenly. "You remember me, Kyon?" She seemed to have quite a vibrant personality. Not as super-vibrant as Haruhi, thankfully; just a normal and quite attractive kind of vibrance.

"Yeah, I think so… You're the one that was about to be attacked by that… Uh… Thingy."

Her smile faded slowly, turning into a look of disappointment. "That's not what I wanted you to remember, Kyon…"

Eh? What's that mean? Oh yeah!

"Oh, you were the one I accidentally tripped with near the hot springs, right? Sorry about that."

Was that it? Well, judging from her remaining dissatisfied face, it wasn't.

"Hmph!" She huffed a very Haruhi-like huff. "I'm not telling you if you can't remember!"

Ah… Whatever. I'm more concerned about a certain other thing, a certain other thing with tentacles.

"Um, sorry, but that, er, _thing_… Which way did it go?"

"I don't know… After it left, I stayed here to tend to you, Kyon…" she told me, playing with her fingers.

"Thanks. I better go and uh, get that thing."

"What was it?"

Damn, I was hoping she wouldn't ask.

"Um… it's… my pet."

"Your pet?"

Oh, _brilliant_ work there, Kyon! Aren't you just the speaker of tomorrow! You really deserve a medal for that one.

Idiot.

"I mean it's like a pet… to me. It's _like_ a pet to me, yeah… and… It's… my science project."

Haruhi looked at me. "What are you talking about, Kyon? Isn't it a- _mmph_!"

I quickly covered her mouth with my hand, wrapping it around her and slowly dragging her out of the room.

"Give us a minute."

As everyone stared at us, I dragged Haruhi out against her wishes and shut the door to the room. As I let her go, she burst away from me, pressing against the wall of the corridor.

"K-Kyon! What was that for?"

I quickly explained to her that I thought it would be for the best if people didn't realize that there was a weird monster thing lying around without a somewhat logical explanation.

"But everyone wants to see new things! This could be revolutionary!"

Haruhi, I think only you would find this amazing. Others would consider this a freak of nature. A gratuitously perverted freak, too.

Let's just go with my story, okay, Haruhi?

She tilted her head down, looking up at me like a child. "… Fine, if you say so. But only because you said so!"

Right, right.

We re-entered the room, and I quickly explained to the girls that it was just a science experiment of mine. The only one I had to convince was the new girl, and she didn't look like she believed me entirely.

"I'll explain it completely later," I told her quickly. "I'll just go catch it now."

Looking around the room, I found my mop. Only problem was that it was now broken, probably from my encounter with the monster earlier. Huh… This sure reminded me of an RPG. The only thing I needed now was for some wise, all-knowing wizard to tell me how to defeat it.

"The mind that creates a problem also creates a solution that is fitting in their judgment."

Yuki spoke out, and she said quite a mouthful, very much unlike her. And what did she mean exactly? Her eyes moved to the other side of the room, and mine followed to see the broken mop.

Oh.

Wait.

No way.

No. Freaking. Way.

Haruhi was the mind that created the problem. Therefore, it wouldn't be farfetched to believe that same mind created the solution. Haruhi made a solution, all right.

It involved a mop, a net, and a piece of chicken. Oh yeah, and one more thing…

Me.

Basically, whether I like it or not, _I_ am part of the solution, and the only way that thing's going to disappear is if I finish it off with what has to be the stupidest array of weapons, ever. Well, since everything's been playing out like an RPG so far, I may as well consider it to continue as so.

That would mean that if I attack it with the net and the chicken, that would complete Haruhi's expectations of destroying the monster, and end this stupid situation. I sighed a long, drawn-out sigh.

This was going to be long. This was going to be arduous.

This was going to be embarrassing as hell.

I told the girls to stick together just to be safe (or, to be more precise, I was hoping Yuki would find a way to protect them). With that, I left them to return to the attic, where I hoped to find my… Ugh, _tools_.

During the daytime, I found it quite a bit easier to see in the attic. I noticed a dusty mirror in the corner, and took a quick look at myself, dusting the mirror off with my sleeve.

There I stood, wearing the clothes I had slept in, fought in, and got slimed in. In one hand, a bug net, the other, an old piece of chicken, which was probably starting to go bad. If the reflection I was looking at hadn't belonged to me, I would have definitely considered this person to be crazy. Looking real smooth, Kyon.

Another scream was heard in a room below, and already I knew what it was.

Oh yes. I was going to _love_ this.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

**A/N:** Okay, I could make a whole lot of excuses for the over-a-year delay, but all I'm going to say, is that this is the fourth time over the course of the year that I've written this chapter. I would like to reinstate what I have said before.

However long it'll take, I have and always will intend to finish this story. So uh, sorry I'm slow. Hope everyone still remembers what's going on…

Oh and on a side note, I noticed that I tend to use some characters' first names and others' last names, so I'm going to try to stick to just first names now, and if I have the time go back and edit everything. Sorry if it wrecked the story flow, people.

* * *

I rushed myself out of the attic, heading in the direction the scream had come from. As though to show me the path a second scream reverberated out of a room at the end of the hallway, and I tightly clutched the chicken… which was beginning to feel really slimy.

Throwing the door open, I was greeted to the sight of one of the girls in my class being cornered by the strange tentacle monster. I stood for a moment, slightly mesmerized by the tentacles moving towards her, clambering for her soft, smooth le-

"KYAA! Don't just stand there, do something! Help me!!"

Oh, right. This was not the time for a wandering mind. I shook my head vigorously and readied my net. Trying to ignore the fact that I looked like a total moron, I charged in, raising the net above my head. Leaping up, I dropped the net on the creature in one fell swoop.

WHACK.

A screech from the tentacle monster echoed out as the net made contact with it. A large tentacle swung out, preparing to lash out at the girl. Without thinking, I had found myself moved in the way, shielding myself with my arms. As I felt the tentacle fall on me, I only barely managed to hold back the surprising weight of the gelatinous arm.

"Run away already, please!" I asked, unable to hide my sarcasm. She didn't answer, instead listening to me without a second thought and screaming out of the room.

Okay big guy, it's just you and me now.

It's tentacle lifted up, getting ready to hit me again. I managed to dive out of the way, and the creature lost its balance as its tentacle hit the floor… At least, I think it lost balance. It doesn't actually have feet so I can only assume…

Anyway, I knew this was where I had to end it. Not just because my body was starting to ache like mad from its tentacle swipe, but also because I wanted to do this while nobody was around to tell the tale. As I gathered the remaining pride I had as a human being, I threw that all out the window as I lifted the chicken up to a battle stance.

"HAAA!!"

Once more I charged. Once more I leapt. Once more I struck the tentacle monster. Once more the striking object was fairly ridiculous. And once more, I heard the echoing pitch of its yell, but this time it was much louder.

I gripped my hands to my ears, grimacing from the discomfort of the volume. As I felt consciousness leaving me, I could only remember the last thing happening to be the tentacle monster slowly melting away, disappearing into nothingness…

Leaving behind a mop, a drumstick, and a bug catching net…

* * *

"Kyon! Kyon! Wake up already!" Haruhi complained mercilessly as she shook Kyon's unconscious body. Mikuru waved her arms about worriedly.

"Y-You mustn't do that, Suzumiya-san!" she exclaimed, too afraid to physically stop her.

"It's fine, it's fine!" Haruhi retorted. "This will make him wake up!"

"You seem to be quite worried, Suzumiya-san." Koizumi smirked at her in his usual fashion, and Haruhi's face slightly tinged.

"W-What's that supposed to mean?!" Haruhi stepped back, folding her arms and turning her head away from him. "It's my duty as the brigade commander to worry in these circumstances."

"Ah, of course it is."

"Hmph!"

Yuki, who had actually been in the room with them the whole time, remained quiet, sitting on a chair by Kyon's bed, silently reading a book. After Kyon defeated the tentacle monster, Yuki had sensed the return of normality in the area, and had informed everyone to pick up Kyon. He was found unconscious already, and the teachers had arranged for him to be carried back to his room. Until they could work out what was going on, the teachers had originally given Kyon's homeroom teacher the job of supervising him, but thanks to some strong opposition from Haruhi, the duty was given to the SOS Brigade instead.

"I hope he wakes up soon..."

One other girl had remained in the room too, to the slight dismay of Haruhi. A girl with short, black hair who was about as tall as Yuki.

"And? Isn't it about time you told us exactly how you're related to Kyon?" Haruhi demanded more than questioned, however.

"Ehhh?" the girl replied coyly. "Shouldn't you be explaining to me what that _thing_ was?"

The two eyed each other like combating tigers, eyes slightly twitching.

"Actually, I think everyone here is a bit interested in hearing exactly how you know Kyon." Koizumi stepped in between the two girls, her usual winning smile on his face. "Would you please let us know?"

Mikuru was already watching with an inquisitive look. Even Yuki, though she tried to hide it, had taken her eyes off her book, looking up at them. The girl smiled, grinning cheekily at Haruhi.

"You all want to know what I am to Kyon? Okay… I'll tell you."

She glided over to Kyon's bed, stroking his cheek with her hand. More surprising than Mikuru's yelp or Haruhi's angered face was that Yuki had also completely removed her attention from her book, letting it slide to the floor.

"I'm Kyon's girlfriend!"

And somewhere, in the land of the sleeping, was Kyon, feeling a dangerous shiver run down his back.


	13. Chapter 123579

**Chapter 12.3579**

**A/N: ** Seeing as how my chapter before was really short (sorry, I'm still trying to get back in the swing of things and just needed something that would get me back on track) I've decided to write an extra, slightly longer bonus chapter filled with fluff and a little comedy… At least I hope it comes across as such. So yeah, for everybody that's happy to see me back in action, thanks for the uplifting comments. It makes me glad I got back into this, since I did kinda think a lot of people wouldn't care by now… Heh, you guys are awesome.

Anyway, enjoy! At least until I can continue on properly.

* * *

"A fever, indeed."

The doctor clicked his tongue as he stared at the thermometer he had just taken out of my armpit. "Get yourself in bed as soon as you get home. If you're careless, you could find yourself in a much more serious condition. You told me your parents were unavailable for the moment. In your condition, it would be best to have somebody to take care of you so that you can fully recover."

I sniffled, wiping the sweat off my brow. "They'll be available later, so it's fine."

Actually, that was a lie. Due to work circumstances, I would most definitely be home alone until tomorrow morning sometime. Well, my little sister would be home too, but… I don't think she's going to be much help, probably a hindrance if anything.

The doctor clasped my shoulder reassuringly. "That's good. Remember now, today you're to remain in bed! Don't push yourself, or your fever won't go down!" The doctor took a quick sniff of the thermometer. "… And get somebody to give you a quick wash too."

Was that really necessary? Was that even appropriate in any way? I took a quick sniff of myself anyway to… Oh, wait. He actually had a good point… Damn.

My walk back home was dizzying and tolling. What was actually a ten minute walk felt like running through a busy intersection over and over again. Kind of like Frogger… What the hell am I thinking about?

When I finally made it home, I made a beeline for my room, collapsing into my bed. I really ought to have at least changed my clothes, but my body could no longer move. I was done moving. All I wanted to do was lie here and vegetate a bit.

"Kyon! Why you sleeping so early? That's boring! Let's play a game or something!"

Ugh, I really didn't want this right now. Go away, shoo, shoo. Maybe if I threw one of my slippers at her she'd be frightened and fly away…

Not that I had the energy to. All I managed was a weird gurgle before I just gave up and tried to get rest.

"Kyoon! Get up, get up, get up!"

She pushed at me for a bit, but stopped suddenly. After a silent moment or two, she hummed for a moment and walked back out. I'd probably find that a bit eerie under normal circumstances, but I was just glad I was given my time to photosynthesize in peace.

Ahh, it was finally time to get some-

BZZZ. BZZZ.

Oh, no.

BZZZ. BZZZ.

God no. My phone was ringing, and I knew there was only one person it could possibly be.

BZZZ. BZZZ.

Maybe I could ignore it? No wait… She'd definitely punish me in some way…

BZZZ. BZZZ.

"Hrmmmm!" I grumbled, as I stretched my arm out to grab the phone. "Hello?"

"KYON! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG YOU LEFT THE PHONE RINGING FOR?! A LONG TIME, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW!"

Ugh… I really didn't want this right now.

"I'll forgive you for now, but listen! We're having an emergency meeting! I've already met up with the others and-"

Wait. I can't go.

"The word 'can't' doesn't exist in the dictionary of the SOS Brigade!"

W… What? Look, I just can't. Please, let me go for one day.

"Why not!?"

AH-CHOO!

Urgh. I really want to sleep now. "I'm going. I'll come next time."

Before the conversation could drone along anymore, I found myself drifting to sleep. And before I knew it, I was fast asleep. Although I think I'm in the middle of a strange dream, because I could hear a familiar voice calling to me.

"Kyon? Kyon! Answer me henchman! KYON!"

* * *

"Mmm…"

A very soft, refreshing feeling glided across my body. A cool, slightly wet feeling, moving about my chest in such a way that I felt like sighing in comfort. I began to open my eyes, slightly blurry from the afternoon sun washing my room in light. As I did, however, I felt something lift off my bed, scurrying away quickly.

"Huh?"

As my eyes adjusted, I saw a stoic figure standing by my bedside. "Ah, Nagato. How's it going?"

… Hey, wait. What's she doing in my home?

"You're body is currently in an unfit state." Yuki had quite the talent for stating the obvious in a way I could barely understand. I found it charming, considering all the characters I tended to have around me. "I have come to assist in your healing process."

"My… Healing process?"

"That is correct."

Was she talking about that nice feeling I was having before. "Hey, Nagato, was that you earlier?' I looked at my chest. My shirt had been unbuttoned, and I could still remember the refreshing feeling brushing across it.

"… That is… Correct." Her speech stuttered for a moment. It was very un-Yuki like. "I was administering a cooling agent onto your body by changing the chemical build of my saliva and applying it directly."

Oh, I see-waitaminute! Saliva??

"Then, you…"

"That is correct."

"With your…"

"That is correct."

"On my…"

"Correct."

"With…"

"Correct."

"Ah. Okay…"

And with that, I felt my body temperature soar to an all-new high as I collapsed once again in a fit of unclean thoughts involving a certain quiet girl's tongue and my body. I'm such a disgraceful human being.

* * *

"Hrmm…"

"Lalala… Lala… Lala…"

What a sweet song… I smiled, keeping my eyes shut and enjoying the sound of the angelic voice. Hold on, who could it be, anyway?

"Lalala… Lala… Lalalala…"

Once again my eyes adjusted to the evening sunset, and shining ever so radiantly in the basking light was Mikuru. She had her eyes shut, her lips releasing a sound more beautiful than anything I'd ever heard. As she came to the end of the song, I lightly clapped my hands, though I still felt quite tired.

"Ah! K-Kyon! You were awake?" She began playing with her fingers nervously, which only served to heighten her cuteness. "I-I heard once that music can help people recover so I thought… I'm sorry if I disturbed you!" She bowed in apology.

"Hey, hey. Stop it." I motioned her to lift her head. "You have a very nice voice, Asahina."

She blushed heavily, playing with her fingers with added vigor.

"But Asahina… Why are you here?"

"Ah!" Mikuru looked up suddenly, clutching her fists as though to psyche herself up. "I wanted to help you with anything I can!" she yelled out, beginning to blush as she realized how loud she said it.

"I… See."

A moment of silence occurred.

"Ah! I t-think I know what I can do…" Mikuru walked over to my bed, her steps short and prolonged. "I-It looks like you haven't had a chance to change yet and… Considering your condition… I should…"

W-Wait, what is she thinking of doing exactly?! "T-That won't be necessary, Asahina."

"N-No! I should help you… Any way I can…" Her hands shakily reached towards me, and I watched helplessly… And a bit expectantly. I couldn't but feel bad thinking that, though.

Her hands inched towards me, and for some reason, it looked like she wanted to go for my pants first. Definitely not a good thing. This could be considered a form of sexual harassment, couldn't it?

"Mi-Mikuru is going for it…" she exclaimed. I could feel my temperature rising again.

"A-Asahina…"

"I..." Her hands reached my belt, shivering as they tried to get a firm hold. I was starting to get _really_ worried now.

"I…"

"I…"

"I CAN'T!!"

A sudden little fist came slamming up at my face. If anyone were watching it, I'm sure they'd think it wouldn't hurt at all. Let me tell you though…

That _really_ did hurt. Once more I said goodbye to consciousness, seeing faintly an angel running away weeping softly.

* * *

"Ah, Kyon! Are you waking up?"

At the sound of Koizumi's voice I quickly decided I didn't want to see how this would go. Back to sleep I go…

* * *

When I awoke this time, the room was pitch black, save for one stream of light coming from the full moon outside. Following the beam, I saw a figure sitting at the edge of my bed. I couldn't make out the face, but I felt the person was very familiar. As though sensing I had awoken, the figure turned to me, and a girl's voice spoke to me.

"How do you feel?"

Um, better now, I think. After sleeping so much I feel much more energetic.

"That's good… I was… Worried about you, Kyon."

Really? Thank you, I think.

The figure leaned towards me, her face avoiding the ray of light. She suddenly brought her face right up to mine, placing her forehead to mine. The shock was so great it caused me to gasp.

"Hmm, you're still a bit hot. Lie back and relax. Here, have some of this apple. I bought it this afternoon."

I felt a juicy slice of apple touch my lips, and I opened my mouth to accept it. The girl's fingers pushed it in, part of her finger just touching the inside of my lips, and I heard her gasp slightly too.

Sorry about that, it wasn't on purpose, I swear!

"Mou… It's okay, Kyon… If it's you, it's okay…"

Her finger came back to my mouth, and softly forced itself into my mouth once more. I heard her exhale sharply as I felt it brush near my tongue.

"Ah… S-Stop, it tickles…"

B-But you're the one putting your finger in there! You know I'm too weak right now to be doing anything on purpose!

She jerked her finger away again, clutching it. This time, she slowly lay her head on my chest, and I could feel my heartbeat reverberating through to her.

"Kyon…"

Yeah?

"Next time you're sick, just tell me to come take care of you, idiot."

Okay…

Before I knew it, I was so relaxed I had fallen asleep again. But still, was that a dream?

Yeah… Must've been. Just a dream.

* * *

The next morning I was feeling much better, and decided I should be fine enough to go to school. I managed to get to school without any incidents, and as I took my seat I saw that Haruhi was already there, sitting in her usual seat with a bored look as she stared out the window. Her hands were clutching at something, rolling it about on the table.

"Yo." I answered from the door, trying to sound normal, hoping she didn't remember that I missed the meeting yesterday. But of course, Haruhi had remembered.

"You missed the meeting last night!" she exclaimed without turning to face me. "Expect to receive your punishment today! You're going to help me rearrange the club room!"

What? But we did that only a week ago!

"You're going to do it again!"

Sigh, there was no use arguing with this headstrong girl. I sighed as I walked to my seat, and just before I took my seat, I saw what she was playing with, and somehow felt reminiscent.

What's with the apple?

"I bought it yesterday. You got a problem with that, idiot?!"

No, no. Do what you want you strange girl.


	14. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

**A/N:** Yeah… I can't help but feel I'm disappointing a lot of people by making such widespread updates on this… But while I think disappointment is unavoidable from me at this stage, at the least continuing at a somewhat sluggish pace will hopefully cause the least possible amount of frustration for all of you. I sincerely apologize for intense lack of updates, but I will eventually get to the end of this.

… Oh and with the whole chapter swapped around thing before, that was a result of an accidental arrangement of two chapters I had written, and I thought it was so ironic that I left it.

Anyway! I'm back from the dead, and I've tried to go back to the length of chapters I used to manage when I could update regularly, so here we go…

* * *

"_I like you. Want to go out with me?"_

_A silhouette stood in front of me, a six year old boy, barely able to understand mathematics, let alone something like what was being said to me at this very moment._

_Am I supposed to do something?_

"_Not really… Just say you like me."_

_Okay… I…

* * *

_

"…HATE YOU!"

These were the words that woke me from a slumber that felt like it lasted years. I felt a sudden pressure on my face, soft yet hard at the same time, if that makes sense. My hands moved sluggishly above me, to find a pillow that had been powerfully shoved into my face. As I lifted the pillow off, I could just make out the back of Haruhi, storming out of the room.

"Ah! You're awake! Welcome back to the world of the living, Kyon!" Koizumi's voice was its usual annoyance, somehow seeming condescending, considering that I'd just earned the right to tell people 'I killed a tentacle monster with various random objects'. "As usual you waste no time in your antics!"

Hah? What exactly do you mean by that? I sat up slightly, seeing that Yuki, Mikuru, and one other girl were in the room with me. Mikuru was trembling slightly, her hands clenched by her mouth, shivering. Yuki seemed as distant as ever.

… And who is this other girl?

"Ah, Kyon! You're looking at me like you still don't remember me!"

"Um…" I wasn't entirely sure of what to say. And as any healthy born male knows: when a woman wants an answer you don't have, you don't answer. She frowned at me comically.

"Hmm! To think you'd forget your childhood sweetheart!"

… My childhood _what_?

"Shimizu Haruka!" she exclaimed, pronouncing every vowel with prolonged importance. She pointed at her face with an aggravated face. "It's Haruka! We've been lovers for years!"

… We're _what_?!

She placed her hands on her hips and pouted, in a traditional Haruhi fashion. "I wasn't planning on saying anything until you remembered, but to think you forgot all about me! Even after I gave you all my firsts, you jerk!"

… You gave me _WHAT_!?

I think Koizumi has to double-check his previous claim. If this is indeed the world of the living, then what's with this girl who thinks she knows me? Perhaps she's a ghost from a past life, and Koizumi is indeed wrong, and an idiot.

Okay, I'm a little frustrated and may be taking my anger on Koizumi, but honestly, it's always a good time to call Koizumi an idiot.

Mikuru's reaction to what was said seemed to have a very noticeable progression. Her shivering heightened in force, her eyes widening and tearing, and a soft, audible 'au~' resonated from her mouth, as she slowly walked backwards out of the room. Yuki looked at me momentarily, before exiting the room as well, without a word.

"And the drama continues to unfold!"

Koizumi, you're a jerk. "Well now, with Haruhi in her state of mind now… Well…" Koizumi glanced at 'Haruka', before smirking his smirk and making to leave himself. "I wonder how you'll get through this one?" he turned back to me once more before disappearing down the corridor, leaving me alone with this strange girl who was supposedly my lover.

"And? Care to tell me what you're talking about?"

Haruka frowned once again. "It's exactly as I said. I'm your girlfriend!"

I looked at her carefully. She had auburn hair, slightly lighter than Haruhi's, and also slightly longer, held in a ponytail with a blue ribbon. Even through the hot spring robes, I could easily make out that her body was quite filled in, her chest tightening the fabrics. She's no Mikuru, but she seems to be a bit larger than Haruhi.

… Huh, even after such a long sleep, I'm still a massive pervert.

"Look, er, Haruka, I'm pretty sure a guy would remember if he had a girlfriend." I looked her up and down once again. "… I _really_ think I'd remember if you were my girlfriend… And besides, if that were even remotely, possibly true, why haven't I seen you before at school?"

Haruka pouted once more. "… You forgot our promise too, didn't you?" Her face turned away from me, obviously upset. She sighed, clutching her temples and massaging them with her fingers. "Well, we can talk about it later… Maybe your head's still not screwed on right, and that's why you don't remember me."

I agree, maybe my head isn't screwed right at all… Judging from how things are going, I can say that I myself seem to be righteously screwed though.

"You should rest for now, it's already lights-out." She pointed outside the window, and I saw that indeed the moon was already out. Just as she was about to shut the door, her head peeked in quickly once more, with a smile on her face.

"I'm really glad I convinced the teachers to let you come, Kyon."

She waved a quick goodnight, flicking off the light before shutting the door.

I slinked back into bed. I realized this is probably the first time I've gotten a proper moment to myself. Usually Haruhi and the others would bust in here, and possibly want to sleep here again, for whatever reason. I finally had a moment of some good old peace and quiet.

Yet why did I feel so restless?

Haruhi's obviously pissed… Mikuru looked like she was going through shock… Yuki might have short circuited or something... This Haruka girl… There was so much going on that even though I should've been relaxing, I was full of anxiety and restlessness.

I closed my eyes, trying to fall asleep, or at least stop myself from thinking. After so much trouble with Haruhi and company in my life, this just seemed to be the cream on the cake. What could possibly make things worse?

_Creaaak._

My door opened slowly, a small speck of light coming in along with a shadow, before the door closed behind it. "Who's there?"

"Hey Kyon!" a voice whispered loudly. "It's me-nya! Tsuruya!" The voice's audacity had somehow made that blatantly obvious for me.

"Okay, so what's up? You know you're coming into a boy's room late at night, right?"

I couldn't make out her face, but I thought I saw a sparkle from her fang. "Oho-nya! If you want to do naughty things with me Kyon, you could just ask!" I felt her finger poke my cheek, startling me. "Nyahaha! You're too much of a kid for me to be worried!"

Speak for yourself! You're not really someone I want to hear calling me a kid, Tsuruya.

Her hand lightly slapped my shoulder. "Anyway, I wanted to ask you a favor-nya!"

"Oh really? And what would that be?"

"Let me stay with you tonight!"

And there goes my moment of peace and quiet…

* * *

I lay in my bed, stiff as a board. Honestly, I still can't fathom what exactly had happened, or what was actually said. All I knew was, half of my bed, a _single_ bed, was now taken over by a green-haired crazy girl.

It seems my magnet for crazy girls is still working like magic, huh?

But enough jokes. I could feel a bead of sweat race down my forehead into my hair. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my body and punch me in the mouth. Was I excited from my predicament? Or was I worried that Haruhi would destroy me five times over? It was probably a bit of both.

"Um… Tsuruya…"

"Nani-nya? Want a hug?"

"No… Well, not _no_ but… Wait, you're breaking my train of thought."

"Maybe the hug will help?"

"Maybe… Wait, you're still doing it! Stop it!"

"Nyaaa…" Tsuruya stretched her arms toward me, and before I could react, she had grabbed hold of my head, pulling me into her with strength unheard of in such slender arms. My face was plugged right into her chest, and her grip told me she wasn't intending on letting go. "There! Better now?"

… Was better the right word? I'd think of something more clever, but my mind's drawing a mighty blank right now. Or more drawing two happy hills…

"Kyon…" Tsuruya stroked my head as I spoke, giving me a strangely serene feeling. "Asahina and company seemed pretty mad today-nya. Is it bothering you?"

… Yeah. It's bothering me a lot.

Her fingers twirled through my hair playfully. "Tsuruya knows that Kyon's a good kid. So Kyon shouldn't get too depressed. Tsuruya thinks Kyon will make everything right again!"

I want to make everything right, but how? It feels like every time I pass one obstacle, another ten thousand come to block my way. It's really frustrating!

Tsuruya's hands tilted my head upward, and I could slightly make out her eyes staring back at me. "Kyon is Kyon! And only Kyon can make things right!"

… I don't get you sometimes, do you listen to yourself?

I felt a sudden warmth on my forehead, and with a quick, wet lashing, I realized it was Tsuruya's mouth pressed onto my forehead. I felt my face flush with embarrassment, but was unable to resist her.

"You'll work it out, Kyon. Because you're amazing like that-nya."

Amazing huh… me? Now that's a big first…

The feeling of being held, coupled with Tsuruya's reassuring words, were starting to make me feel mellowed out. Slowly but surely, I felt sleep come over me.

And in what felt like a few seconds, I opened my eyes to find the sun's rays invading my room. I had fallen asleep, and morning had come.

To my surprise, I was alone in my room. Wasn't Tsuruya in here? Perhaps… It was a dream? I guess I'll never know unless I ask her.

I rubbed my face onto the pillow, taking a deep breath.

"Hmm… Smells like smoked cheese."

I sat up on my bed, looking out the window, and saw many girls leaving the dorm to head for the hot springs, no doubt to have a morning soak. As I stretched my arms, I couldn't help but realize how revitalized I felt. Whether or not last night was a dream, it appears that I now owe Tsuruya thanks for helping me clear my mind.

There was much more at stake than myself when it came to Haruhi. And whether I liked it or not my job was to ensure the future of mankind by keeping her smiling. And I was ready to do whatever it took. I grabbed a pen and pad out of the bedside drawer, scribbling into it my plan to work everything out.

Yep… It ain't easy bein' cheesy.


	15. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

I stared at my notepad with a blank face. I felt like somehow, I had expected words and ideas to miraculously pop up by themselves. But then again, that seems like an uncharacteristically wishful thought from the famous Kyon…

It felt like I had been staring at this notepad for years. I read aloud what I had so far.

"Step 1: Make Haruhi feel better.

Step 2: ...

Step 3: … Profit?"

What the hell am I even doing?

I fell back down onto my bed and sighed. It felt like I was exhausted even though I hadn't done anything yet. I lifted the notepad to my face, and my frown kept getting bigger and bigger, until…

"ARGH!"

I ripped the page out of the pad, crumpled it into a ball and threw it into the bin beside my bed. This was clearly not working out, so I jumped out of bed and made for the door. I threw myself out, slamming the door behind and running down the corridor like a man with a purpose.

This wasn't a problem that would be solved with a mere pen and paper.

No… It was time to use the same plan that has saved this world so many times before.

It was a foolproof plan that had seen me through many battles for the planet's survival.

The ultimate tool when reality would openly bend to stop you.

Of course, I was talking about winging it.

… Yep… That's my master plan.

Sorry Earth, I'm an idiot.

* * *

Haruhi was still lying in her bed. She hadn't slept, and the bags in her eyes had grown dark. She was clearly annoyed, but the other girls had left to soak in the springs, leaving Haruhi to sulk alone.

"Stupid Kyon… Who cares what he does… I can just ignore him for all I care… That idiot…"

Haruhi mumbled under her breath restlessly, tossing and turning. Clearly the appearance of Haruka, a self-proclaimed childhood friend of Kyon's, had left her in a sour mood, even if she would never admit it herself.

"Ahhh, Kyon!"

She shot up and threw her pillow in irritation.

"Ow."

Haruhi stiffened, wondering why her pillow would make such a noise as though it was alive. Or perhaps it was an alien, or a time-traveller? Or maybe even an esper? Or maybe-

"… Kyon."

"… Haruhi…"

Kyon had run in without a second thought, and with otherworldly timing was slammed with an angry pillow in the face. The pillow slid off his face like a bad joke, the light thud of it hitting the floor being the only audible noise as Kyon and Haruhi stared at each other silently.

"Um… Good morning…" Kyon started awkwardly, waving slowly. Haruhi was up on her knees, clutching at her chest in surprise. As the realization of what was happening reached her – that Kyon saw her with puffy eyes, messed up hair, and her pajamas – her face turned a bright red as she clenched her face in embarrassment. Without another word, she began to launch pillow after pillow at Kyon, followed by whatever poor object found itself in her reach.

"H-Hey… Wai-… Stop!" Kyon attempted to dodge everything in vain. He shielded his face, slowly inching towards her as alarm clocks, random articles of clothing, and eventually small pieces of furniture came flying his way.

"Stay away!" Haruhi felt like she was growing more and more shy.

'_If he comes any closer, he'll see how messy I look!_'

Haruhi took a moment between hurling a stool and hair straightener to consider what she was thinking, and this only made her more embarrassed.

'_If he sees me like this, what would he think?!_'

* * *

I fought my way towards her step by step, dodging the toothbrush, but before I could feel proud of that I felt a tube of toothpaste slap me in the cheek.

Should've taken the toothbrush and avoided the toothpaste, it could've been softer on the face.

Haruhi's face was red, and it looked like her hands were able to find things without even using her eyes. It was almost as amazing as the idea of having SO MANY THINGS in her reach. Then again, this was Haruhi, after all. Logic wasn't really the best thing to go with here.

"Seriously, stop!"

I finally reached her, grabbing her arms before she could throw a wall safe that had somehow found its way to her. I pushed her back, the safe falling behind her off the bed, as I crashed on top of her, pinning her body down with mine. I stretched her arms flat onto the bed, finding my face right on top of hers.

"Stop fighting me, Haruhi!"

I felt her body stiffen, and her eyes widened slowly. I could feel her holding her breath, not saying anything to me. Now that I'd gotten to this point, I wasn't entirely sure where I was going with this.

"Just… Just listen to what I say, okay?!"

Haruhi still didn't say anything, but she let her breath go, making a strange kind of *higu* sound. It reminded me of a noise Mikuru would make somehow.

Hm… Okay, so I ran here with no idea what to do, and one way or another I've got Haruhi alone. So I should say something to make her feel better.

"I know you've been waiting for me to do this for awhile now…" Surely, you've been expected an explanation about my supposed childhood friend.

Haruhi gasped a bit as her body shivered slightly.

"And I've been wanting to do this since last night…"

'*higu*!'

She tried to look away from me, so I pinned down her hands with one of mine, and used my other hand to pull her chin to face me. The way she stared up at me was like a lost child, with a light tear welling up in her eye. I couldn't let up yet though, I had to make sure she understood very clearly what I wanted.

"You trust me, right?"

She hesitated for a moment then nodded, her chin still in my hand.

"You'll listen to me now, right?"

Again she hesitated, and then nodded. I felt her arms loosen up, so I let them go. She didn't move anymore, just stared up at me, waiting for me to speak.

This… This seemed to be going really smoothly! If I had known a bit of forceful action would get her to listen to me, I'd have tried this a long time ago! I had to get the whole story out there now, while I had her.

"I'm going to start now, okay?"

She still wouldn't utter a word. She nodded again, her eyes staring up at me.

"Just be ready, it's quite long…" The effort I'd need to make to convince would surely be a long argument.

Her mouth let out another *higu* and her lip quivered.

"W-W-W-What do you mean, l-long?"

"Well, I mean it's a big thing. It'll take awhile to get it all out."

"Get it all out?!"

"Well, it's not like this was going to be easy, right?"

"B-But it's my first… I mean… I don't…"

Surely this wasn't the first time I've been this forceful with her, but I guess she's just exaggerating. She tends to do that, after all.

"Don't worry, if you knew how things went with the others, this is actually quite tame."

"With the others!?"

"Yeah, Mikuru, Yuki. Even Koizumi and I have had some deep moments."

"D-D-D-Deep moments?! W-W-W-…" Haruhi started shaking quite a bit. She gave me a strange expression that I couldn't quite put my finger on. It was like she was mad, but confused as well.

"Forget about that, this is about you right now!"

She stiffened up again. Her face was entirely red, and her stare at me was starting to make me reluctant to treat her so roughly.

"Close your eyes! You're making this hard!"

She looked up at me for a final moment, before she gave in and closed her eyes. Her head tilted forward a bit, and she puckered her lips a bit. It looked like she had eaten something sour. It was kind of cute, but now was not the time for that.

"Here it comes…"

She nodded. Her breathing grew heavier. I knew that I just had to go for it all out.

So I did.

"I don't really know who that Shimizu Haruka girl is, I can't even say for sure if she's a childhood friend."

"… What?"

"I mean, she might be, but if she was all that stuff she said before about us being lovers or something is _definitely_ not true!"

"… What."

"So like I said earlier, this is pretty hard for me to explain, and it could be a long shot for me to get through to you, but you need to trust me on this!"

"…"

"What I'm trying to say is there's really nothing going on with me and that girl! For all I know she could just be some crazy person with a messed up memory!"

Haruhi wasn't responding, just staring at me with unimpressed eyes. Maybe she still didn't believe me?

"Get off."

Huh?

"Get off me. _Now._"

Oh right, I was still on her…

"_Get off! And get out!_"

Before I knew it, Haruhi had thrown me off her with strength that she didn't have before. I barrel-rolled across the floor, all the way to the door.

"Get-out-get-out-get-out!"

Before I knew it another barrage of random inanimate objects came flying at me. I could swear there was an invisible conveyer belt that was sending all kinds of objects to her, but I didn't want to stay to find out. Haruhi's face was just as red as before, but I'm pretty sure she was really angry with me.

I dashed out the door, closing it behind while yelling out a quick "Sorry!"

Slumping onto the door, I could hear Haruhi still screaming out, throwing things continuously at the door. All I could hear was the word 'idiot', the rest of it I couldn't really make out.

Damn, I've messed up again. Great job Kyon, you've probably doomed the world. Nice.

I sighed once more, thinking about calling my little sister to tell her she could have my video games. But before I could sulk any longer, I realized Koizumi was standing next to me, leaning on the wall. I almost jumped when I noticed him, but I didn't want to give him the pleasure.

"Long time no see, Kyon." His incessant smile was there, as always. "Things seem to have gone well with you and Haruhi?"

I wouldn't put it that way…

"Why the long face? Whatever it is you did, it appears to have had a positive effect. Things aren't perfect yet, but you've managed to prevent any major catastrophes from occurring any time soon."

… Seriously? That can't be right… "Are you sure?" Part of me thought Koizumi may have been pulling my leg.

He smiled. "Good work." With that, he walked off, leaving me there, baffled, with what I imagined to be a very dumb look on my face.

I don't know what it was that made Haruhi feel better, but I guess I should just be glad that I didn't make things worse.

I thought back to what had just happened, wondering if her lifted spirits was one of my actions. Holding Haruhi down, having her listen to me, and that shy look on her face…

"You have a dumb look on your face right now."

The familiar voice came from the other side of the hallway, where I saw Yuki staring at me, wearing a white robe. Her hair was still damp.

"Enjoying the springs?"

"Observation duties required me to be present in the springs."

"… Ah."

"It was required."

Of course it was, Yuki. Of course it was.

* * *

**A/N: **… Heh. Happy new year, everybody.


End file.
